I will be the first to admit that *I* have been living in a hypervigilant state for quite a long time. I'm always afraid that something is going to happen to Hubbins, so instead of living, I've been waiting for that other foot to fall. Trying to figure out what I would do with the kids if Hubbins ended up in the hospital. How I would deal with his family if something were to happen to him. It's such a stressful thing.
But after this last time, I've learned to let go. I'm learning that what ever happens, will happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm also learning that it's not my responsibility to worry about Hubbins family. He has his own issues with them that have nothing to do with me and if they would realize that, I don't even think Hubbins would have an issue with them. But I'm not really sure because I don't exactly know what the situation is. I just used to stress over having to talk to them because, at this point, it seems to me if I were to be talking to them it would be to tell them Hubbins has passed. That's what stressed me out in a way Hubbins just can't understand.
Last week, I had a glimpse of being care free for about two hours. I sat on my bed reflecting just how peaceful it felt when my phone rang. It was crazy to me just how quickly it all changed. I mean, my sister being in the ER wasn't as scary to me at first, but when I heard her tell me that I was to take her boys if something happened to her, it was chilling. I felt myself boomerang back into that state of shock and hypervigilance and I hated it and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it.
I was scared for my sister and I won't lie, I was scared I would be adding two more children to the mix. I've had that little fear in the back of my mind for awhile now. My sister is 28 but she doesn't take care of herself. I knew already that she could have a heart attack at any time because she is overweight and she has high blood pressure. I knew she was having complications that the doctors can't pinpoint since the car accident she was in. This is still fact as I type this. They still don't know what is wrong with her but they have thrown antibiotics her way and it seems to be keeping whatever it was at bay for now.
I'm trying not to go back to that hypervigilant state. I'm trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about any of it and it's out of my hands. I've noticed that since I have realized my anxiety, I am actually better able to detect it in my kids. I can tell by their faces where they are at in their level of panic. I've been able to squash a lot of it with reassurance and support. Believe me, it sounds prettier than it looks. lol!
So, yesterday, Hubbins was finally able to get up in his chair for a few and none of my kids were in trouble or on restriction (shhh, I KNOW!) We had a blast on the Wii for hours. Literally, Hubbins was the first to notice it was after Midnight and pulled the plug. I felt at ease. Not 100% because those stupid little thoughts kept creeping in about how it's not always gonna be like this and wondering if this is something we will all be together to do next New Year's. But I was able to enjoy most of the time we spent together. I kept reflecting on everything I had to be so grateful for.
Because I wasn't stuck in "fear mode". I was able to see my family as "who" they are, not what their problems were. It was nice for that change. Don't think everything was unicorns and rainbows. My kids can't stand to be in the same room as each other and they are smart asses who think they know it all and everyone else is dumb. But we are family and in the end that's all that really matters.
2 comments:
Yippee! What a great way to start the year!
Im so glad you had some peaceful moments and Im hoping that you have many more of those. You have so much on your plate, you need to sit back once and a while and relax, seek out the good and focus on it. Youre right, you cant control somethings, like your husbands family, just let that go.
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