To resolve or not to resolve...

AKA- A note to my 34 year old self from my 33 year old self...

I haven't made any resolutions in at least a decade, longer I am sure.

This year I am contemplating writing up some resolutions, just so I have them written down to remind me. I LOVE lists. I'm an excellent list writer, it's finding the time to do the stuff on the lists that's killer. :-p

I'm not even sure if these are really resolutions as much as they are reminders. My birthday is looming ahead of me this month and when I think of it, I envision a dark black cloud, heck go ahead and throw in a lightening bolt in that vision. The last official birthday I celebrated was my Sweet 16. I already knew it was the beginning of the end. lol Before that, I hadn't had a party since I was 10.

I've been trying to change my attitude about birthdays. I've even been thinking of celebrating this one. After all, if I have such a bleak outlook, I'm sure my kids have noticed it and they already have their own birthday issues.

We have birthdays this month, next month and the month after. I won't kid myself, it will be a rocky road...but maybe I can help to model something different.

At any rate, Birthdays...that's the first thing I'd like to change up this year.

Second, letting go. I need to start letting go. I've been so afraid of losing myself. That it didn't occur to me that the person I've been trying so desperately to hold on to, isn't so much lost as "she's" not the same person anymore.

I've seen so many women in my family lose themselves. I wanted to make damn well sure that it didn't happen to me. But, oopsies... after all that fighting, I realized. I'm not lost...it's just not me anymore. I'm not that single person who was on top of everything and had a spotless house because "dammitthereisaplaceforeverythingandeverythinginitsplace!andifyourearrangemymagazinesonemore timeI'mgoingtobreakyourhands!!!!"

I'm married to a person who requires a lot of care and I have 5 children who require a lot of care and I'm not going to remember everything anymore. I'm also not going to get things done like I used to either.

AND it's ok,all is not lost, the world has not ended. (<---alright, so I'm still working on this part, which is why I think I need this list to remind me.)

With the above in mind, nothing will ever be perfect- nor does it have to be. In the past, if you thought you did something perfect, it wasn't. YOU just thought it was. Really.

Third, I can't remember this one to save my life... so I will say...third, put something shiny on this post, print it out or something... because HELLO! Not only have you already forgotten part 2 above...(i.e. see previous post which is a sort of reminder of something you had apparently already forgotten!) but you reminded yourself and it STILL didn't ring a bell.

I think I will keep this little post as a "living" post if you will. One that I will need to refer to and update or something. I have a lot of things to say to myself...but I honestly, just can't remember. So I will tag this one living post. hehehe

Boy am I messed up. It's amazing that I have made it this far. :-)

ACK...third was about friendships/relationships! I sort of remember now! Will have to think it through some more before I add it. Make sure I remember it right!

Well, that didn't work out so well...

I still have my post in drafts. The one I referred to in the previous post. Honestly, I have been trying to remember what that third thing was and I just can't. The irony of it all is that it is something I felt was so important, I needed to write it down so I would remember.

I should make the third thing this very problem right here. Stop holding on to things instead of completing them because they won't be perfect or like you envisioned.

I have a buttload, yes a buttload, of unfinished posts that I won't post because they are unfinished and I can't remember...Then when I do remember, or I should say if I do remember, I figure it's too late to post. (i.e. holiday pictures of Thanksgiving, projects, etc...)

I can't stand that I have this idea of what my blog should be and I can't even make it that, so my blog just sits. I don't know why I feel it should be a certain way. I guess that goes back to my unfinished post that I should just post already anyway.

Speaking of butts...aren't I a pain in the butt? LOL! Believe me, I drive MYSELF crazy sometimes. Ok, well, a lot of the time.

Don't you just hate it?

Don't you hate it when you are in the middle of a post you saved...could've been numbered or bulleted or something and you come back to keep going...'cept, you can't remember what thirdly was going to be...

No.clue.

I can't even remember typing "third".

Does it make it even worse that it's a post about getting older and what you should be remembering?

Guess I'll just hit the save button on that one for the bajillionth time.

The First...

Yesterday was the first day in the longest time where I got to just be.

I will be the first to admit that *I* have been living in a hypervigilant state for quite a long time. I'm always afraid that something is going to happen to Hubbins, so instead of living, I've been waiting for that other foot to fall. Trying to figure out what I would do with the kids if Hubbins ended up in the hospital. How I would deal with his family if something were to happen to him. It's such a stressful thing.

But after this last time, I've learned to let go. I'm learning that what ever happens, will happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm also learning that it's not my responsibility to worry about Hubbins family. He has his own issues with them that have nothing to do with me and if they would realize that, I don't even think Hubbins would have an issue with them. But I'm not really sure because I don't exactly know what the situation is. I just used to stress over having to talk to them because, at this point, it seems to me if I were to be talking to them it would be to tell them Hubbins has passed. That's what stressed me out in a way Hubbins just can't understand.

Last week, I had a glimpse of being care free for about two hours. I sat on my bed reflecting just how peaceful it felt when my phone rang. It was crazy to me just how quickly it all changed. I mean, my sister being in the ER wasn't as scary to me at first, but when I heard her tell me that I was to take her boys if something happened to her, it was chilling. I felt myself boomerang back into that state of shock and hypervigilance and I hated it and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

I was scared for my sister and I won't lie, I was scared I would be adding two more children to the mix. I've had that little fear in the back of my mind for awhile now. My sister is 28 but she doesn't take care of herself. I knew already that she could have a heart attack at any time because she is overweight and she has high blood pressure. I knew she was having complications that the doctors can't pinpoint since the car accident she was in. This is still fact as I type this. They still don't know what is wrong with her but they have thrown antibiotics her way and it seems to be keeping whatever it was at bay for now.

I'm trying not to go back to that hypervigilant state. I'm trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about any of it and it's out of my hands. I've noticed that since I have realized my anxiety, I am actually better able to detect it in my kids. I can tell by their faces where they are at in their level of panic. I've been able to squash a lot of it with reassurance and support. Believe me, it sounds prettier than it looks. lol!

So, yesterday, Hubbins was finally able to get up in his chair for a few and none of my kids were in trouble or on restriction (shhh, I KNOW!) We had a blast on the Wii for hours. Literally, Hubbins was the first to notice it was after Midnight and pulled the plug. I felt at ease. Not 100% because those stupid little thoughts kept creeping in about how it's not always gonna be like this and wondering if this is something we will all be together to do next New Year's. But I was able to enjoy most of the time we spent together. I kept reflecting on everything I had to be so grateful for.

Because I wasn't stuck in "fear mode". I was able to see my family as "who" they are, not what their problems were. It was nice for that change. Don't think everything was unicorns and rainbows. My kids can't stand to be in the same room as each other and they are smart asses who think they know it all and everyone else is dumb. But we are family and in the end that's all that really matters.

Prayers Needed

I didn't mean to come back to my blog with more drama.

But please pray for my sister, Trisha. She was in a car accident a while ago and has been having a ton of complications from it. She has nerve damage and something else the doctors haven't been able to pinpoint.

The day before yesterday, she woke up with one side of her body and face grossly swollen. She went to the doctor and the doctor wasn't sure what it was. She believed it could be cellulitis. So Trisha was sent home on antibiotics. This morning it has spread to her throat and her breast and her doctor still doesn't know what it is.

From my research, I think it could be secondary lymphedema and I had told my mom to have her tell her doctor.

About a half hour ago, I got a call from them. Trisha is in the ER and was calling to remind me that should she pass, I am to have the boys and raise them. These boys are my sister's world. It has to be really bad for her to call to tell me that.

Yet again, I am sitting here frustrated by the medical system and how my sister could slip through the cracks and get to this point.

I feel so helpless. I know, all I can do is pray.

Of urologists, insurance and BS

I mentioned that I needed to tell the story about how Hubbins came to be in the condition that he was in to end up in ICU.

For almost a month, I had been trying to get Hubbins help through his shitty insurance. You see, Hubbins has a pre-existing condition. So insurance companies won't cover him, therefore he gets state insurance. The state insurance was doing ok, until they got this brilliant idea to screw everyone over and move them to two new-to-our state insurance plans. No test drive, just 1-2-3 SWITCH!

So it was a scramble to try and pick the lesser of two evils. Apparently, we picked the wrong one. See Hubbins current urologist, he's been treating Hubbins without seeing him. We had already gone to his primary, we had already done bladder and prostate ultrasounds. They came back normal. We were at the point where the primary said it was out of her scope and we had to see the urologist. So, I called up the urologist and tried to explain the problem to the heartless bitch nurse on the phone.

Let's just say she didn't even know what quadriplegia meant. The urologist ended up throwing antibiotics at Hubbins and we scheduled an appointment for 3 weeks later. These antibiotics killed the good bacteria that was trying to kill off the yeast in his bladder and that's how we were able to see that he physically had a yeast infection. However, that also caused the yeast to be stronger and multiply faster.

Don't think I sat around waiting. I called all 13 urologists in the book that were supposedly covered by his insurance. Not one but the one he was already seeing was covered by his insurance. Every single one I called told me that they no longer accept his insurance.

When I called his worker at the insurance company, before I could get to him, I dealt with 3 different people who tried to give me the same 13 numbers. I explained to each of them how those doctors weren't accepting their insurance. Finally, I was passed through to the case worker who did the same thing. I was made to call like a dumbass these doctors again and speak to their billing department who confirmed what I had already been told. No go.

So that meant that the insurance company had to make an individual contract with a urologist. That meant getting a referral from the primary and that meant waiting for the insurance company to deny or approve it.

We got the approval after he was in ICU already.

Did you know that if a person is on state insurance, that person or someone else can't pay cash for the "insured" person to see a doctor? It's against the law for the doctor to accept money from a state insured person. I guess it's just so much better that the person die while the state gets their shit together, no?

Oh and even with the approval, the urologist is not accepting that insurance. Apparently, this insurance doesn't pay their bills. Lovely, eh?

An Award!

I've been given an award!

Thank you Obladi Oblada!