I've made a decision

I started a post about what's going on around here and before I finished I decided to sit down and watch the debate. I was about half way through the debate when I became totally sick to my stomach and had to leave the room. It was the debate that caused me to be sick. Moreso, John McCain.

I'm not trying to put anyone down and I felt when I sat down to watch it that I had no strong feelings towards either side. I don't think either one has what it takes. But you know the lesser of two evils and all that. I was actually impressed by Joe Biden. I wondered why he wasn't the Presidential Nominee but anywhoo. After watching what I did and seeing how condescending, rude and immature John McCain is I couldn't stomach the thought of him being the next President.

You can't treat people like that. He kept interrupting and the faces he was making. No respect at all. I had to disagree strongly with his view on Obama and negative ads. I've heard so many negative and untrue ads by McCain, it's ridiculous for him to even bring that up. The ads I have heard from Obama have been very informative. I was impressed by that.

John McCain embarrasses me because he's like that guy in high school that blows everyone off because he's too cool for everyone there. Everyone's just a dumbass and he's too smart to stop and listen. Can you imagine something like that representing you?

He also reminds me of my kids. RAD kids blame everything and everyone and never take responsibility. They will skirt around the issue and talk about everything around the topic and are more eager to have their piece said in the interest of control and getting someone else in trouble.

How can you keep calling someone out to the mat when you won't even step on the mat yourself?

Speaking of calling people out to the mat, I've done some research and it's amazing the amount of fabrication that is going on by the McCain team. They certainly are trying to blow things up and make something out of nothing. Smoke and mirrors....smoke and mirrors...

I don't know how Obama does it. Really that man must have some incredible restraint.

I wish I knew someone who could explain to me how they view McCain. Someone for McCain. Believe me, I'm not saying I know only Obama people. I'm just saying I know no one. Literally, no friends out here. LOL!

Anyway, I wish I could talk to someone, in a civilized way, who supports him because I am so curious to how they view the things that he does. Is it ok that he acts that way? Afterall, you can support his policies but dislike the person I would suppose, maybe?

I am also tired of people trying to legislate my body and my rights.

If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one. It's that simple.

I can't even believe we are voting on something like that. Really. Why aren't we voting to sterilize absentee parents? Or why not have all men have vasectomies until they decide they are ready to be parents? Those are easily reversed, no?

If those sound outrageous to you, well that's how I feel about the whole voting on MY body issue.

I don't believe in abortions and I will NEVER have one. But I will not keep someone from having one. I have seen first hand what happens to kids who are raised by people who should have had abortions. I think the lifetime of pain and torture is worse than any pain they can feel in an abortion.

I am not an object to be voted upon. I am not someone's little pawn that they can make decisions for me based on what they believe. What next? How many kids I can have?

I am Catholic, but I'm not blind.

Anyway, I'm climbing down from my soapbox now. This is just the way I feel and I had to get it out.

What do you RAD moms do?

In a flash of desperation brilliance, it occurred to me that I should ask all of you mothers out there (I know the title says RAD mothers, but really we all need help sometime, right?) what is it that you do?

Since I don't have the professional help I need, please tell me what you've been taught/advised, etc... Even if you think it won't help. I am asking and I won't hold anybody accountable for anything. But I need to know.

Mattresses on the floor-- child abuse? or ok?
Reason: stuffing peed clothing, stolen items and hoarded food underneath.

I'm going to install locks on all doors the kids don't need access to. I've gone out and bought them. How do you RAD/Kid Proof your home?

How do you find time for yourself when your kids are like, on vacation or something (my kids are home all day, all night, every day that's why I am asking. They don't nap either. Quiet time is a disaster)? Showers, brushing teeth and hair. If I get up early, they seem to already be awake.

What tips, advice have helped you the most? What do you wish you would've known from the start?

I've been fighting the urge to pick myself up because I feel like when I do, I am just fooling myself for a little while longer, you know? But it's not in my DNA to just sit around and mope and do nothing and I think that is what is bringing me down the most. That helpless feeling. I mean, I'm actually counting on a call from a social worker from CA. But really, she has no obligation to call me back at all, what if she doesn't?

I've just wasted more time.

What is feeling like a loser really accomplishing right now? Not a damn thing. The kids have been showered and fed oatmeal and they are in their rooms seperating out their clothes (so I hope). My plan is to take out everything but the mattresses so I can see what's going on. They can't put peed clothes or stolen items in the dressers or in their pillow cases. I will give them their blankets and pillows at night, when they need them, they have no use for that stuff during the day. I mean that's not abuse is it?

Has anyone had kids in residential. Are they on lockdown so they can keep track of them or has anyone been told it's ok to keep kids in their room and switch them out when they can be supervised? I mean, I'll need to do that until I finish RAD proofing my house at least anyway. But I also have to homeschool them,so it's not like it will be a cell for them or anything.

I need to know what they have told you is ok in the interest of health and safety. I have no idea.

Change

I'm guessing I will hear from the old social worker today, with the holiday and all. I'm not sure what I am going to ask her. I was thinking first about residential treatment and who pays for it and then more about disruption/dissolution.

I just can't believe I have a 6,7, and 8 year old peeing in their rooms. Yep, the 8 year old joined the bandwagon. She claimed because she's scared to ask me but I know it's total bullshit. If anyone is scared in this house it is me.

I'm scared of what these kids can do to Hubs and I. They are so good at lying and manipulating. Everyone thinks they are little angels. I've written here how one child turned our last therapist against us. By the time I realized what had happened that therapist was so smug with herself thinking she had solved the case, I was a bad mother! Whatever.

When I called the 8 year old out on her lying, she pulled apart her glasses and broke them. Is it child abuse if I don't replace them anymore? They are just going to break them again. There's nothing I can do to stop it. These are already their second pairs. I say "they" because Poufy did the same exact thing to hers just because CDQ beat her at a game.

I have installed door alarms (thanks for the advice!) and a motion sensor. I can sleep better at night now. I've been trying to get the strong ammonia scent out of my house. I just don't know how. Does anyone know of anything that works? The best part, it's storming out here so we have to keep the house closed up. Lovely.

We are already in the process of selling this house and I am freaking out because of the smell. Who's going to want to rent this place. I had a beautiful house. Our property value has gone down. Not because of the market and the economy but because of the destruction that these kids have done to it. What am I supposed to do about that? Just deal with it because I have a half sister who is a murdering whore?

I know some people are new here. I never intended to adopt. Hell, I never really intended to have children. Hubs wanted children and I started to concede on it and then wham! My 1 year old niece was basically murdered by her parents and the rest of my nieces and nephew were taken away and had no one to go with but us. I was hearing that they were being abused in foster care.

Their stay was supposed to be temporary. It wasn't until after they dropped the kids off from CA here in NM that they told us there weren't any plans for reunification. I mean the kids still had visitation and phone calls (although either never happened). Their mother was supposed to be taking parenting classes and going to therapy. What for? If it wasn't for reunification what for?

We didn't find out about RAD until we had already signed intents to adopt. The kids were normal, just shaken up for about 6 months after they arrived. I've been told I should be happy I got a 6 month honeymoon period. At times, I think my kids didn't have RAD. I think therapy gave them RAD. I mean, maybe some of them had it, but not all.

The therapy they were going to just kept rehashing the day their sister died and they were taken away. Over and over and over again. It was making it worse but I didn't understand because they told me as the kids worked through this stuff, it would get bad.

I really think at this point, I have one child who is the cause of this turmoil. One who really needs something. I'm not sure if removal is the answer because she's good at what she does. The boy just follows what everyone (except me) tells him. Everything is "ok". CDQ is a habitual liar. But I'm sure once she's where ever she is at she will tell everyone I called her a "bitch". Because that's all she heard when I said habitual liar to my husband in our room by ourselves having a private conversation.

A huge part of me just wants my life back. I want to have privacy. I want to have showers. I want to have freedom.

I don't have respite help. There are no foster parents out here who will watch my kids. Social workers washed their hands of us before the ink was even dry. Hell, before the plane even landed in NM when they delivered the kids! When I asked for help, I was threatened by NM social workers that the children would be taken away. I should've let them. They insist it wasn't a threat but when someone says "If you can't provide and care for the children, they will be removed." that's a pretty damn good threat in my eyes.

I can't even leave the kid's with Hubs for an actual break for a few hours because before I am even leaving the driveway, Hubs can hear Poufy announcing to the other kids that she "thinks she's gone now." and they go crazy because Hubs can't do anything about it. He has no use of his arms and legs and can only tell them what to do. They act like he's not even there talking to him. That pisses me off so much. Rotten little devils. I can only imagine what it is going to be like when they get older.

I don't know what to do. The seemingly "easiest" thing to do is just to send them back. But then I hear I'll have to pay child support which just amuses me to no end because their parents never paid a penny, but I have to? How am I supposed to do that when I completely shut down my consulting business and decided I would just go totally poor to be here for these kids? Am I supposed to just pick up where I left off 2.5 years ago and it's supposed to be all good? My clients are gone. Hell, I'm sure the jobs are gone.

We are going to have a higher payment on this house and we have offers out on other houses. What do I do if I find out that they have to go and I've bought this larger house that I don't need?

It's all one big clusterfuck that I don't know how to fix. I wish I would have never agreed to letting them come stay with us in the first place. Even if everything pans out in the end, it will be the biggest regret of my entire life.

Disruption

I've written so many posts and have published none of them.

I've hit the bottom. I called the kid's social worker from before the adoption to find out what my options are. From what I can tell my options are that I can return the children and pay child support for them until they are 18.

I found a place nearby who deals with kids like mine. Problem is they deal with them for $350 a day for 18 months. I have 4 kids that need to go there. California won't pay for it. They haven't called me back but I'm pretty sure they won't pay for it.

Since the kids have been removed from Resperdal (sp?) , they have gone further backwards then they ever have before. They were on a different pill Seroquel (sp?) and it's done nothing. I stopped the pill all it did was make them tired and all they did was fight it and become increasingly out of control. My house smells like one huge litter box because the two youngest decided their bedrooms are where they are going to pee. I can't seem to get the smell out.

They've broken things that I have fixed already. I'm at a loss. I don't think I can help them. I think I am making it worse. I've tried everything I can think of. I even resorted to spanking. What's disturbing is that the boy enjoys it. Seriously, he has a giant smirk on his face. I'm afraid he's going to be one of those that grows up and kills people.

Today they acted like we weren't even here. They did whatever they wanted as if we weren't talking to them or even alive. I wanted to call someone (but who?) or leave them at CYFD out here. But then I'd go to jail for abandonment.

I don't have any help at all. No respite. No family. No friends. No team of people to help me. Just hubs and he gave up today as well.

I thought when I read Donetta's post earlier it was a sign for me to hang in there and that it would be ok. But I don't think I can anymore. I've tried everything except residential treatment.

We've put in a full offer on the house we need but I don't think they will accept it. They really think they can get more at foreclosure which is stupid because no one has put in a bid as high as ours. Not even close.

All day long as they behaved as assholes, I tried so hard to think of something I could do or try. I thought maybe I could even get my sister to come. Maybe if Hubs and I could just get a break from them, maybe I could deal with it or something. But my sister just went back to work this week and she can't take any time off. Just another sign I guess that we are at the end of the road.

I haven't said anything here on my blog. I wrote a post but never published. My health seems to be turning. I've been in a lot of constant pain for over a year now and it's just getting worse. I think I have arthritis because I can see my joints in my hands turning and my knees are always cracking and feeling like they are out of joint. Even Aleve, Tylenol and Motrin aren't working. This is bad because I used to take one children't chewable Tylenol and I would be out in under 10 minutes. I'm not exaggerating. That is how low my tolerance for medication was. Sometimes I am up all night in pain to the point of tears. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't think the stress is helping anything.

If something doesn't give, we are going to have to disrupt/dissolve this adoption. The kids have no desire to stop what they are doing. So help is going to have to come from somewhere. I just can't take anymore.

It will be a miracle...

So, the loan on our current house is currently in underwriting which I guess is the last step for this house to be sold. We are supposed to know more on Monday or Tuesday.

Along that same vein, I talked to the realtor about the house we have an offer on. We should have a final answer some time Monday or Tuesday. The Realtor selling the other house finally got ahold of someone at the second bank, from my understanding, and he was told that they felt they could get more money if they foreclosed.

It is also my understanding that the selling realtor has put in a lot of work to sell this home and doesn't want to lose the sale. It was said that we have put in a great offer and the bank doesn't care about the gazillion pictures of stuff that needs to be fixed nor the ones that apparently the selling realtor also submitted to let them know "hey, you really are getting a great offer and NO ONE else has even come close to our bid." Apparently, they had the house "realtor appraised" a while back and were told they could get more for it. The fact that no one's even bid more than $200,000 (well, except for us, we wanted to be fair), should be a clue to them.

Really, I have searched high and low, we are asking our realtor to look into foreclosures and new construction even because I need, NEED, NEEEEEEEEDDDDDD to have these kids separated before I return them. We are back to square 1 with them because the assholes at the insurance company refuse to give them what they need. As I told the woman, the kid's other drug is a generic and I have no problem with it because it works. I told her they could give them a sugar cube and I wouldn't care as long as it worked. Seriously. I wouldn't.

But 4 kids, lying and stealing, destroying and physically hurting each other. It's getting bad. I've got to say it now. Just in case one of those "super" parents who has nothing on their mind but the one child they are trying to attain sainthood with is reading this. You guys know who I am talking about, no? I'm sure you've read them on other people's blogs.

Don't fuck with me. You have no idea.

I get so tired of some parents with special needs kids who think they are the shit because they will deal with whatever comes their way no matter what. It's not so cut and dry for other people. It can be too much and it comes to a point where that parent is no longer what's best for the child. Why can't those parents see that? They see it as someone not trying hard, someone being a wuss, someone letting a kid down. We don't know the whole story behind anything we read out here. I just can't see why we can't support each other. Instead of stabbing one another in the back. You know?

Anyway, sorry about the rant, but it's been a long time coming. I have all 4 home now and I am homeschooling because I am afraid of what they will do at school. The lying is outrageous and the stealing. I know they are stealing from us. But the stuff I've been finding in the laundry. I can't even imagine.

The other house is the only house apparently in the state, that will accommodate everything we need and is in our price range. When I say everything, I mean everything. This house has a large rec room where I could even do the girl scout meetings and ceremonies easily. Why would this mean so much? I wouldn't be leaving hubs alone for such a long time ( 2 hours) and I wouldn't be far away in case he needed me. That stresses me out to no end while I am running the meetings. I'm always afraid he's going to call me with trouble and I will be stuck because I can't leave the girls.

All I can do is pray. I hate to put so much on this house, but I just know in my heart it's the answer, you know? I know the kids aren't going to become angels, but I also know that I will be able to police them better if they could be separated.

I suspect CDQ is physically abusing the boy but I can't catch her doing it and he won't exactly tell on her. I'm trying to gain his trust but he's just a shell. I can't put him anywhere else. I can't have either one of them, or anyone of them for that matter out loose in the house because of the stealing.

I don't know, I can go on and on. But, at this rate, it looks like this house is the only one out there. It truly would be a miracle from God for us to close on this house Monday or Tuesday and hear from the other house (good news hopefully) on either of those days as well.

I will keep you posted. I know a lot of you are hoping for the best for us and we appreciate it so much.

Hope all is well~!

Pass It On...

A confession

This may mean something to you and it may not... I do not like Elizabeth from The View. In fact, I call her Elizabitch.

I hadn't really watched The View since Rosie's departure. I don't claim to know Rosie by any stretch but I felt she got a raw deal. She is who she is and how she is without apology and she didn't change for anyone. Whether she's right or not...who's really to say. It's her opinion and she backs it up.

It could be said that people might feel the same way about Elizabitch. It would be a hard stretch for me to see it, but I would be open minded to it. I would at least try to see if I could figure out what is going through her mind.

But today, today she just reinforced everything I've been thinking about her since I started watching The View and then not. She's in my age range, I believe, so she is supposed to speak for my group. But she embarrasses me.



See, I thought Barbara Walters DID NOT put her on the spot but gave her a platform to have her say since she is often drowned out. I stopped what I was doing when Barbara Walters asked her to give 4 reasons why Sarah Palin would be basically a good choice. I wanted to hear what she had to say.

Really, I did.

I was expecting her to have some kind of intelligent answers to the question but instead she actually pulled a Sarah Palin and what I am now referring to as Republican Politician Speak. That would be avoiding a real answer, answering with a question, or putting the opponent down.

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad. Please understand. My horse is out of the race, so to speak...so I had no idea who or what I was going to vote for. But I've gotta say. I'm really sick of John McCain's mudslinging.

Don't get me wrong, I am sure it's going on both sides. But I truly have yet to hear what the hell McCain and Palin have in mind for the country. There's never an answer.

I sat down totally open-minded to the debate and I have to say I came away with ideas of what Obama's plans are for us and absolutely nothing from McCain's side. I wanted them to get down to the nitty gritty, use the time to make your case for what you want to do, not to spend your time bs'ing and attacking.

Some of my kids watched the debate. My 9 year old said she didn't like the "other" guy. She wanted Obama to win. This intrigued me, so I bit.

Me: "Why?"
SS: "Because Obama's better."
Me: "Oookay. But why?"
SS: "Obama seems to really care about us and the United States."

Interesting point of view from a nine year old.

I don't want to be like Elizabitch. I don't want to be so hardpressed to get a win for my "team" that I can't even see what's in front of me. I felt so let down when she didn't have a real answer. Maybe, it's because she seemed so matter of fact and so like she knew what was what. Sure she was mudslinging too. But as much as I dislike her, I expected more from her. Instead, she left me feeling that maybe, just maybe none of the people on her "team" know what the hell is going on.

I will sit down and watch the VP debate. But I can't help but feel it will be a trainwreck. More fodder for SNL. I'm not complaining. That stuff is so dead on and lord knows I need me some belly laughs. But after the initial laughter, it sinks in and then it's not so funny anymore. It really is just a heartbeat away, just a rigged election away and it does seem like "just anyone" can have it.