The one I've been hesitant to write.

This was written early last week.
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I've gone back and forth on this one, as I do write our struggles here with the expectation that the kids will eventually read it. They knew I was a blogger because back in the day I used to post little things featuring my Monchhichi for them and my mom would show them. Sort of like Monchhichi was talking to them through the computer, now he talks to them IRL. LOL!

Anyhoo, they used to be excited when I posted about them but since they asked me that their mother never see any pictures of them, it's been really hard to post what we do here. I explained to them that I can't really control who comes to this site. I've shared some of our pics on facebook, but it's still hard to keep this blog from becoming a negative place when so much of the good stuff is captured on "film".

So, I've gone back and forth with the whole CDQ situation.  Part of me wonders if I don't blog it am I making the mistake I made in IRL? Is it trying to pretend these things don't exist? Am I fooling myself anyway, because let's face it, will I ever do anything right in CDQ's eyes? and I guess more recently, do I even care anymore?

As harsh as that sounds, I have let this child run me into the ground because I felt sorry for her. If I had to be completely honest about my feelings at this very second for this child I would have to say I feel almost indifferent. My therapist says it's called battle fatigue. Some may wonder how a person can feel that way and I am thankful that you don't know and pray that you never have to walk in those shoes to understand it. And I also know that there are many of us out there that know exactly what I am talking about and we live with this silently questioning ourselves and our hearts on the other side of our screens, some of us can say how we got here and others aren't even sure of anything anymore.

I'm still reflecting on all this, but I know I feel indifferent because that is the way I feel about all my other abusers. Sure, she's a child but she learned well from the people who abused me because some of them abused her too.

Abuse is abuse no matter who it comes from or what the past circumstances are.  I could be abusive too and blame it on my past but I don't and won't ever do something like that to someone else.

Also, her previous therapist basically said I was an adult who should be able to let this child abuse me and if I couldn't, I should seek counseling because it was my problem then. Something from MY past that I had to deal with. I understand not to take it personal, but this went too far.

When I think about things and the people who knew me, I think they would be shocked to know that I let anyone abuse me. That's not the person I am. I think they would be double shocked at the extent that this child has gone.

Maybe I am saying she is a monster when she is like this.  But that's how far it gets when there is no real help. When you are staying up all night because you don't want to wake up to a child holding a knife over you or you don't want to find the child she shares a room with dead in their bed because she didn't like the way that child ate her food at dinner.

If she ever reads this I hope it's from the other side of her demons. I hope she understands that we know this isn't her but this was what it was like on our side. I hope she develops the ability to see the other side and to understand that she's not the only hurt party and that despite it all we don't blame her, never have I blamed her. This is how it was, and boy do I pray so hard for that was part.

But mental illness isn't like a cold. I don't believe it runs it's course and goes away.  She doesn't hear me when I tell her she's strong and brave and that it is TOO much for a kid to handle. I don't think she hears the words.

I've been cautious with this new place. I don't want to jump the gun. Her new therapist has been in the field since 1973. I met with him yesterday and here I thought I was updating him and he's letting me know they are actually one step ahead of CDQ and many more ahead of me when it comes to trying to figure out her motives.

I've read so many horror stories about RTC and wrap around services and insurance. I'm just waiting for it all to come my way. But so far, the services have truly been wrap around services. She will continue on with the same people when her bed opens for RTC they will continue to work with her consistently. I read her plan and the observations they have written and he couldn't be more spot on if he had lived with her himself.

They even did their homework and somehow obtained a slew of background information on her. I know I signed releases but I've never seen anything so thorough, precise and correct.

As far as CDQ herself, I am also impressed by her progress. I thought of the honeymoon period and maybe that was the changes I was seeing in her. But after  meeting with her counselor yesterday, he actually warned me that this might be an attempt on her part to get me to take her out of day treatment. After thinking about it, he's more than likely right. Since she did start pushing the whole "I don't want to go back there, EVERYONE is being mean to me." business.

What I am impressed by is the fact that she can maintain control when she wants to. Previously, I had been told that was impossible. I guess we know who got snowed in the past don't we?

Any show of control on her part is impressive to me. Maybe I'm stupid to hold on to that...but I'd also be lying if I said it didn't give me hope.