That Mom...

I know we've circulated posts about what type of Mom we thought we would be growing up. I still have ideas on what type of Mom I might be.

Some of you may be going..."Huh? Aren't you a Mom already?" The short answer...no.

I do all the Mom things but no, I am not a Mom. I am an Aunt. I've always did the Mom things but have been the Aunt. It's all so confusing to me and if it's confusing to me I can't imagine what the kids are thinking. I'm not trying to fill my sister's place, hell, I'm not even sure she had a place.

But I know I am not their Mom and even though on good days the boy likes to call us Mom and Dad, I don't think he or any of the others really think of us that way.

Which brings me to the whole ideas of what type of Mom I might be. I keep thinking if I have bio kids, I am going to do this and I am going to do that. But I worry about what the other kids might think and feel. Will they think that I am favoring our bio kids because they are biologically ours or will they realize or be able to understand that this is the way it is in some families?

I have things that I want for them, keepsakes- scrapbooks and homemade items that I want to make sure they have because if I did have bio kids, they would have those things already.

Many people will probably think I'm wrong, but they don't know the dynamics in my home. I want to start bringing out these things and working on them in front of them and explaining to them what I am doing.

"I am making this blanket for you because if you were born to me, I would have done this for you as a baby."

I don't know if it's wrong, but I want them to know, in case we do have bio children that our children aren't being treated better or like they are special but like they should be treated and all children should be treated.

I also walk the fine line with their disorders because they can't be treated entirely "normal" yet. I don't know if we ever will have that with them. But I know they are going to grow up and most likely have families of their own and I want to model for them what a family should be like, what a Mom should be like.

I know I am failing now. I am so frustrated and confused and unsure of how to approach these issues and how to treat them and I am screwing up. I am approaching this whole situation with too much logic and problem solving and not enough human, if that makes sense?

I'm always trying to fix it and never meeting them on their level of who they really are and not a disorder or not what I need to make sure doesn't happen again.

The other day, I got into it with the oldest over dinner. I'm trying to teach her to cook (something I never learned). I was trying to teach her how to brown ground beef. I left her with exact instructions on what to do while I quickly took care of something for someone (less than 5 minutes) and when I came back she had lowered the temp and done who knows what so she could go back to her room. I called her back out...

I tried to explain to her why what she had done was wrong and what could have happened but she told me "Whatever". To which I set her straight. I believe in nipping that kind of thing in the bud.

She went off to cry and I rationalized to myself that I wasn't there to be her best friend. I only have 5 more years. I've tried to explain that to her. She wants to move out, have kids, etc...

I've tried to explain to her that I am under a tight schedule to teach her what she needs to know. She wants to have kids, how is she going to feed them if she doesn't know how to do the basics? How is she going to be independent if she doesn't learn these things? I tried to explain to her that she needs to have respect and that I am leveling with her because I want her to understand the monumental task that we have ahead of us. I told her it wasn't her fault her mother didn't teach her like she should have but I have my 5 years and I am going to do what I can...

But later, I cried about it. I don't want to hurt her. But I feel like I have to be hard. I have to try and make them understand. I can't let them go on and repeat the cycle. I can't let anymore babies suffer...

Homeschooling here we come...

I have my number and I've officially gave notice to the state that I am homeschool Poufy and the boy.

This is my last resort attempt before things go really bad and we give them back.

I wanted to do this a year ago.

I totally hear what you are saying Kether and that is the place I am afraid of going back to believe me.

But for my own sanity. This is how it is. If I don't bring these kids in and teach them the right way, they are going to probably take all the kids from me just because of their lies.

I just talked to the boy's teacher. She called me because the boy has been late to school too many times and they are holding a slot for him in reading recovery.

Yep, reading recovery. I voiced my concerns last year that he was being socially promoted. I sent him to summer school where I was assured he was one of the brightest. In fact, I'm sure I blogged about it somewhere and BAM! week 2, "You are sooooo lucky your child was honored to be chosen for reading recovery." Maybe they assume if the child is dim so is the parent?

Anyhow, this is the second week of school...late? How many times, where is he?

At least those would be the questions but I was rather told that I needed to get him to school on time. Ok. I confess. The oldest had an early morning Doctor's appointment last week that ended tragically (for her) in her needing 4 shots. After many tears and hyperventilating, she got them and the kids got to school an hour late.

Then yesterday, there were full out meltdowns. Poufy and the boy were in full force. I should've just taken the other two to school on time but I felt like the meltdowns would die down soon enough. With the price of gas, I just can't be driving at their whim. So they were 17 minutes late. If you count that we were there at 7 minutes after and we waited for the forms until 17 after. I mean there were other kids that were late ahead of us that needed forms too.

So yes, he was late twice but she insists it was more than that and that it is my fault. She parents my children. Last year, Poufy was in her class. Poufy was scared of her so it worked for a little while. I told her that Poufy was not allowed to have candy. I kept Poufy from the halloween celebration because she had just had a gazillion caps put in and fillings and the dentist said no sticky stuff. I asked about Rice Krispies because that is our tradition and he said yes but just one and only that. That's how serious the no candy order was. I mean these kids never brushed their teeth for 4, 5, 6, 7, and 9 years. Seriously. Their teeth are jacked.

She still collected candy for Poufy and gave it to her in class. Poufy ate the entire bag in one day during class time. Maybe I'm just anal, but would you be pissed about that "Mom" decision?

I'm upset with the school because they know they misplaced the boy and all he did was snap his finger and say "oh well, we will have to look into that for next years students."

They want to wait until another child goes without breakfast or lunch. Another child has their snack stolen. I don't want anyone else's child to suffer because of mine. Who isn't starving, who isn't lacking. They don't believe RAD is real. They dismiss what I say. I'm just a bad mean over worked mom to them.

I don't want to catch another teacher's assistant screaming at my child at the top of her lungs while the whole class stares in horror. I do not exaggerate. Poufy and I both stopped in our tracks and turned to see the woman shrieking on the playground. Turns out she was going off on the boy. Talk about timing.

As it is, CDQ is paying for her earlier mistakes. Kids don't like her. Parents call her names and one parent went as far as to tell her she comes from a black family. CDQ still doesn't understand that the woman was saying a bad family, she thinks the woman is confused because she's not black.

I have a lock on my pantry door. I have alarms on doorways to tell me when they are out. I have to sleep with one eye open. RAD is real and it's in my house. I haven't really gone into details about the worst parts of it because maybe I am in denial.

I feel that even though homeschooling might not be the best thing for me right now, it's what these two need. They need to be taken back to 1, 2 or 3 years old. They need to be given the boundaries and the limits that toddlers are given. They need to learn right from wrong but they still need to learn at their age level. Does that make sense?

They seem to be missing those parts. This is my last hope. Aside from their issues. I need people to stop judging me. Kether, I hope you don't take this personally because I in no way mean you at all, you are completely right and I know it. I value what you say and what others who are in the trenches say because you know what I am going through. I need the people who don't know me and the people who don't know RAD to butt out. My kids are not "normal". I am not a "bad mother" and I am not my sister either.

I just want what every other mother has. The ability to make choices for my children and to be respected like any other parent. I don't understand why I can't have that. Because I didn't give birth to them? Because I am related to their mother and therefore something has to be wrong with me. Why?