Cakes, cookies, and technology...

Hi Everyone,

Sorry Lisa didn't mean to worry you.

First off the kids are doing great. NO meltdowns (probably as soon as I finish this post there will be one. lol) Some grounding, hardly any crying. A little bit of Karate chops and rubbing. But other than that. Pretty damn good. We just have to keep them in check and watch when they start to stray. I've found pulling back on some of their freedom works. It seems to make them feel secure.

I've been soooo busy. My cake decorating class ended last night but I have to make a princess cake and a strawberry shortcake cake within the next 7 days (Maybe all these cakes are incentives for good behavior...dessert!) Since CDQ and SS have their birthdays this week.

Also, It's GS cookie time.... wow, is all I can say. cookies, cookies, cookies. We are in the middle of Ice Skating...Plus, we have tours in the works: police station, fire station, apple tour... Planting trees, sleepovers and backyard camping...phew! My head is spinning. I just want to make sure that the girls get everything they can out of GS this year since I won't be returning and no one is stepping up yet.

I had to buy a new cell phone because my phone carrier sold to another phone carrier who didn't have a plan I liked...so I'm learning how to do that, plus Hubs bought me a wonderful surprise that I am dying to tell you all about and I'm expecting something today as well.

I'm embarrassed to say I am behind on blogs. I've been reading here and there. I'm hoping after today it won't be so difficult to comment on people's blogs.
Just busy, busy, busy... but well.

Hope all is well with you guys,

<

It's that time again...

Tomorrow I pick up Girl Scout cookies... All the cases and I bring them home and divide them up. I have to admit...I am a bit worried about having cases and cases of GS cookies in my house. I'm worried that the kids will get into them and steal them and I'll owe my life in Girl Scout cookies. lol

The plan is to get them separated and out ASAP....However, I will still have the cookie booth cookies in my house for another month. A whole month. That's over 400 boxes. Nobody really volunteered last year to have them and the person who did kept them in her garage. I don't want the cookies in a garage.

I don't know, I'll think of something. The ideal situation would be closed cases, but I'm sure we won't have exact numbers.

Tonight is the kick off for ice skating lessons. I have six girls going and it's once a week for the next 4 weeks. Pllllllease don't let anyone get hurt. I hope they have fun though. I'm a little sad that CDQ and Poufy couldn't pull it together to go but what can I do? It was their choice. Although, honestly, the oldest shouldn't be going either. Maybe I'll just make it her birthday present instead of what I was going to get her.

I'm pretty sick of that girl sliding by and getting away with it. She's going to be 13 on Monday and it's high time she stopped dragging her lazy butt around here. I grounded her last week for her grades. She hasn't been turning her work in because she's too busy writing a romance novel. Yeah. I've seen bits of it and I don't know where she's seen or read or heard of some of the stuff that those characters are doing. But let's just say she's not leaving the house until she's 18. I'm not going to be raising her kids too.

I had her clean the kitchen from top to bottom. I also had her clean the laundry room. Little does she know she will be doing the laundry room again tomorrow. I chose those two jobs because I wanted her to know what it's like to clean up and have someone destroy it. It's not the run of the mill, I used the kitchen and it's dirty. My pantry was organized. I know I posted it here somewhere. I even labeled where stuff goes, but she is the QUEEN of LAZY. She had been stacking everything on the floor to the point that no one could even walk in or find anything.

I made her redo all of that and even mop the floors (some people are probably thinking this punishment isn't as harsh as I think it is. lol) Then when she was done, I went in there and set to making a cake and icing and not washing one thing. I left everything out, whatever fell, fell. It was hard not to rinse something out or put things in the sink or put things away... but I did it, I walked out with everything left behind for her to clean up. She didn't say anything. I did it for the rest of the day. We made a big dinner.

But the next day when I was driving her to school. Out of nowhere she blurts out that she thinks she knows how I feel. I asked her what she meant and she said that it sucks because "you clean something up and then everyone ruins it." So she was catching a clue, yet that very day I saw her stacking stuff again at the doorway in the pantry and reminded her that it didn't go there. Even this morning, I walked into the kitchen and saw dirty dishes left behind when she knew full well what she was supposed to do. The kicker to this whole thing is that we bought the biggest dishwasher (Martha) out on the market and she broke it. So now she has to wash by hand. You would think that she would appreciate the dishwasher more now, but no. I haven't been able to find my service contract for it to get it fixed and I guess at this point because of her behavior, I'm not really in any hurry.

Free Prints Today Only

I just ordered my 20 free 4x6 prints from Walgreens. They are having a special, use code: ONEDAY to get 20 prints for free.

Just thought I'd share.

Have a great day!

In her eyes...

This morning I saw something that scared me. I was making cinnamon muffins and the kids were eating oatmeal for breakfast. I quickly put down what I was doing and came to my room.

I whispered to Hubbins, "Poufy's eyes are normal. Her pupils aren't dilated." You see, for 2 years Poufy has been a nightmare. She used to be the "perfect" child. Poufy was one we never had to worry about but then the stuff hit the fan and it was on from there on out.

This morning she was telling me that she was going to change, that she didn't want to be bad anymore. How many times have we heard that? I started to tell her that instead of telling me with words she should show me because she's said that before. I was telling her that I believe she can do it and that's when I looked up at her and she was looking at me and I saw her eyes. I lost track of my sentence and just put down my stuff and left. I mean I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Poufy...regulated?

I kept trying to look into her eyes at dinner but CDQ kept agitating her and I saw that her pupils were getting bigger and bigger as she got more upset. But she didn't interrupt like she normally does or start whining or crying. She had a very good day. She is also the child who has done the least amount of schoolwork. Today she did a lot of catching up. I'm not too worried about her getting behind because she is a quick learner and applies herself easily. It's just a matter of getting her behavior in check long enough to get her to do the work.

On the homeschooling front. My kids...*shaking my head* They don't realize that they are being taught so they keep telling people they are homeschool but don't really go to school or do school work. yikes, huh?

They are doing work and don't even realize it.

It confuses me because SS is finishing up multiplication and will be working division, CDQ has started multiplication facts, not to mention they work out of language books where they read stories and answer questions for comprehension. We go to the library every other week. They read 4 books that they have chosen and do book reports where they answer 10 questions about main characters, story line, etc... and draw a picture of their favorite part.

They have gratitude journals where they write what they are grateful for and they also have been working on a morals unit. I should take pictures of the books that I am using. I've created this unit myself. I used Judge Judy's book about choices to kick it off and had them write a scenario and four alternative choices good or bad. Then they shared them amongst themselves and discussed why each choice was good or bad. This book and activity helped me to gauge who knows the difference between right and wrong and at what level. Then I used other books that deal specifically with caring, courageousness, responsibility, trustworthiness, honesty, bravery, respect, etc... to reinforce these topics. Then they went back to their gratitude journals and wrote examples of how they already show these qualities and what other things they could do to show these qualities. I was also able to tie in two Veggie Tales videos that I had picked up at the dollar store.

All that work and they don't even realize it. LOL!

I've been working on a science unit dealing with the environment and as a project we will be making recycled paper. I also have a music unit in the works that involves listening to different instruments and identifying them.

But our greatest success so far is the boy. The boy is absolutely terrified about making a mistake. I've learned that he self-punishes when he makes a mistake. Reading is huge because he is so afraid to make a mistake. I thought he might be reacting this way because of me and might relax if it was one of his sisters helping him instead but nope...no difference.

As I've mentioned. They have food issues and the boy can shovel it in fast and in huge bites. To make sure he doesn't choke we would have him count. This was a task because he couldn't count past 10. We have him counting to a hundred now, and by tens. I still don't think he could identify numbers past 10 but we are working on that and addition. At any rate, we would have him count to ten between bites. I switched it up a bit. He now spells. I've realized he is an auditory learner.

He can spell: one, two, six, ten, the, cat, and bat. I tried to get him to read some of the words that he already knows from the book Bears on Wheels, but he freaked out. He was whining that he didn't know the words and was trying to guess by the picture. The word was two and I asked him to say the letters outloud. He said them outloud with a confused look on his face and was about to say he didn't know the word when he shouted "TWO!!" The look on his face was priceless.

I am going to teach him a few more words. I've given him a practice spelling test and he only missed one. I haven't decided whether I am going to write a book with no pictures using the words he knows and have him read it, then illustrate the book. Or have him write the book himself using the words he knows. I want to do both but I need to figure out which will boost his confidence the most and start with that. I think it's funny that I have him learning to spell, read and practicing his handwriting and memorization without him even knowing it. Plus, I got him this math book that has Diego on it for the Kindergarten level and showed him the 1st grade level he's supposed to be working on has the marvel heroes in it. I told him if he does his best work and completes the Diego book he can work on the book that has spiderman and batman on the pages. Funny what motivates them. Word ladders are definitely in his future. lol

Too full for dessert...

Progress! Progress! Progress!

All I am going to say about CDQ and Poufy is that they are making zero effort. Poufy's *still* riding the birthday train and I think it has something to do with CDQ's b-day coming up. The oldest is also going to be celebrating her b-day this month but thankfully, it's just the other two who are passengers...

However, I have to say that everyone was befuddled today when the boy and SS said they were full. I made a very kid friendly dinner. Cheeseburgers and kraft mac'n cheese (which I never make). The boy ate half of his servings and SS ate it all but wanted no seconds. This, my friends is huge!
They each had one of Sheri's shortbread chocolate dipped cookies and SS couldn't finish hers.

Why is this so huge? Because they are H-A-P-P-Y. They didn't need to stuff themselves to feel loved or feel comforted. They are happy within themselves...even if it's just for today and that moment. It's the first time ever since their placement. They were smiling and not upset about being denied thirds or maybe even there not being seconds (happens sometimes). They were laughing and playing with the cats and dancing. It was what I would imagine normal would be for them.

I've been using "Mom" and "Dad" with them more often. I also know that reward systems shouldn't really appeal to them but for these two they seemed to have moved to a level where they need that recognition from us. "Super Kid!", "Great Job!", etc... They just beam. Oh and it's not directly stated to them. I've found when I do that they stare at the floor and they are unresponsive most of the time.

Some examples, a good attitude certificate casually left under a bowl of cereal (breakfast). A tag that says we love them and they did a great job following the rules attached to a cookie(snack). (I know all food related, but(!) the food isn't a reward, it's what they would normally eat and I plan on moving away from the food to other undisclosed locations (hee hee! Yeah, I am having fun with (some of )my kids!). It's all very discreet, like a secret. They don't show the excitement to us, but we can hear them talking to each other. ( I don't stick around when I leave something behind, that way they don't feel like they have to do something or say anything.) I should also note that hugs and the L word are getting thrown around like crazy at bedtime.

It all started with me yelling "Good night! I *might* love you !" and giggling like I needed to be committed. I don't know why I did it, or even said "might" but they ALL thought it was hilarious and yelled out that they loved me. Even the ones who were hating me all day. lol

But of course, if it's not one thing, it is another. I got a letter from the state of California that sent me into fits. The only thing the state of California promised us was AAP (Adoption Assistance Program). They said no matter what it was a guarantee and that we could really count on it. For some of you who have been reading a long time, you will remember when we almost lost our house because of California's promises. We believed them because this is a Federal program.

At any rate, this letter said we may or may not get the assistance next month or any other month and that maybe if we did it would be less than we usually get. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I felt so stupid. The new van, the oldest's tuition... why did I trust them?

Then I thought...wait a minute. This is from the county. AAP is a federal program maybe they aren't talking about us. So, I called. Yes, it's us. At the risk of sounding prejudice, I would have given my right arm to talk to a high school educated English speaker who could understand what I was saying. I could barely understand what the woman was saying and she must not have a clue about how funding works.

I asked her if AAP wasn't a federal program. She said it was, then I asked her where the funds had gone. She doesn't know. She just knows Sacramento said they don't have it. I asked her if the state had misused the funds. She got defensive.

Um, well, what am I to think? The federal government gives the state the money to disburse to the county, if the state doesn't have the money to give to the county and she's not saying the feds didn't give it to them, excuse my french, but where the fuck did the money go?

Ok, so giving the benefit of the doubt, say that the feds only allocated for so much and California had more families than they thought they were going to have on AAP. I asked what the fiscal year for the state was. I might as well have asked her if martians take dumps because she had no idea. I asked that thinking maybe when the fiscal year for the state ended and started over they would have a new budget.

She didn't get this. at. all.

She was saying how the state was a mess and it was the government,etc... I said "Well, there is a lot to fix because of Bush." to which she replied (and this left me speechless) "Well, if things weren't the way they are right now, the Democrats wouldn't have had a chance."

*sound of crickets chirping*

Like I should be fucking thanking my stars for monkey boy or something? Or should I be thinking those pair of "Mavericks" would have been the rightful messiahs? Pluheeze!

At that point, I knew I was wasting my breath. When I regained composure I chuckled. She said "while that's the way I feel." I chuckled some more. She said something more about the stimulus package not working, I sat there thinking and wondering how the hell this woman still had a job, how the hell she held a Master's degree, how the hell she didn't know the process for her position and how the hell she was afforded a vote barely being able to speak the language clear enough to be understood.

She kept babbling nonsense about e-mailing and calling, etc... I just kept saying ok, trying to end the call, knowing I wasn't going to get an intelligent informed answer. Then what made me lose my shit. "Do YOU understand?" she said to me. * I know!*

I fucking understand alright... I'm screwed.

IF this is to happen, I will be given 10 days notice. Which in actuality will be less than that since I have to wait for the letter in the mail. Ten.days.

I sit here thinking, one- I can't work anymore than I already am. I am working 45 hours a week. I can't work out of my home. Two, who the hell am I kidding, there isn't a single job opening in sight. It's been on the news every night.

I've been "working" on somethings for an etsy store. But last night, Hubbins was not doing well. He had me scared. He's back on antibiotics for an infection. Although, one pressure sore has healed, another is very close, the worst one is still not better. It tries and then it regresses.

He had me take out his blood pressure cuff and he was scared. I can't even begin to describe the levels of fear and anxiety that go through me. I feel like I can just die. Then I start to berate myself. How can I think I can do anything but be here? However it's going to sound. I am stuck here. I can't trust anyone else. I will never be able to hold down a job as long as Hubbins is alive. Even with an etsy store, I will only be able to sell inventory and not take on any jobs with deadlines.

I never know when his health will turn. I am so afraid for the next time... I'm afraid I will have to send Hubbins to the hospital alone. I have no help with the kids. Nothing. Some people think that might not be a big deal, but after witnessing Hubs almost be killed by an ICU nurse WHILE I was in the room (the first and last time I fell asleep that whole week), after his wishes were ignored and EVEN his requests to speak to his Doctor who was in hearing distance were denied. It scares me. Hubbins can't get up, can't lift a finger, can't yell. I've been with him when they put him at the end of the hallway, far away from the nurse's station. He can't yell out, he can't press a button, or pick up a phone. How was he supposed to call a nurse?

I know these are just things I have to deal with and hope and pray never happen. But I can't help but live in fear and I can't seem to control that fear anymore. Like the situation it can't be helped or avoided when it comes.

So I sit and wait. Maybe it's naivety. Maybe it's just plain out stupidity.

But I don't think MY President will fail me.

Imposter...

Ok, so I have to admit. I haven't been posting because I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It did, but I'm not going to talk about that right now.

Hubbins and I were so sick over the weekend and the first part of the week. Thankfully it went away.

So, I've been doing a little bit of this...

and a little bit of that...

I call this Hubbins Snuggie. See he can't feel from the shoulders down but he gets cold from the shoulders up and his blankets usually fall in his face and get in his way when he's doing things. So I decided to make this and see how it goes. It looks like a big tube top. LOL He loves it. It stays out of his face and the yarn is so soft, bulky and warm. You can see his eyes are droopy from getting sleepy in it's warmth.

Yesterday was my second cake decorating class but our first actual day of decorating. This is my first cake after getting the book and being unable to contain myself. I played with the tips.

Below is my cake from last night. I had an epiphany last night as I sat there piping away without a care in the world. (Yes, without a care in the world.) Speaking of worlds, I was totally in my own little world. lol I felt like I deserve this. This is good and fun and I deserve it. Driving to the grocery store after. I realized that I might say that I deserve something, even something as small as an ice cream cone, but I don't really believe it. I've never thought it and believed it before. It was such a peaceful happy feeling like I earned it fair and square. After all, it seems that everything I touch turns to poo or something no matter what I do.

Then I started thinking about my kids, is this how they feel? They want something, and they tell themselves they deserve it (and boy do they) but they don't really believe it? If they blame themselves for things that happen is that how they feel? But then again, do they really blame themselves? They are always pointing the finger at each other. BUT, if they didn't blame themselves, why do they "punish" themselves? Lots to sort through.

I haven't finished thinking this thought through but I realized today when I got angry about something (well, let me explain when I get REALLY REALLY angry, I cry and I hate it!) I started slamming my fists down on my legs (no, the children didn't witness it) and in the middle of it, I was thinking "what am I doing?" I realized that I was hitting myself to make myself not cry and to suck it up dammit! But the whole reason I even realized it was because CDQ does it and so does the boy and SS. After that, I also realized that I do things like them. I don't really do it in front of other people, but I have banged my head as hard as I could against the wall, even a brick wall. I still have to process this... but damn....seems like *I* have RAD doesn't it?

At any rate, I am trying to be good to myself. Yesterday, before class, I went and had my hearing checked. I already have some hearing loss, but it's progressed some and I need hearing aids. $2100.00 for both ears. I have a weird form of hearing loss. It's the reverse of what everyone else who has hearing loss typically gets. I can hear women and children's voices- their pitch is fine and I have no problems apparently. But I can't hear men's voices. This amused me to no end. Hubbins is always telling me that he's asked me for something and I'm always telling him "no you didn't". So when the ear guy told me that I couldn't hear men's voice range, I cracked up. He told me that I could tell Hubbins that I'm really not ignoring him and I haven't developed selective hearing. LOL

The other thing that amuses me is, in the past, people have often asked me how I could work in the field I did. It was a typically male dominated field. All those times, I was called a bitch or when it seemed like someone was looking at me expectantly...MAYBE I DIDN'T HEAR THEM. That's why it wasn't so bad. LOL!

Next time, how the state of California may or maynot screw us again...

Bad Blogger...

I can't believe how fast the days have flown by. I am behind on everything... really, everything.

My birthday was Thursday and I got to come back home from dropping off the oldest at school, climb back into my jammies and sleep for 2 hours more. That was my celebration. lol

Actually, I knew we were going to celebrate Saturday. But between buying groceries in general and preparing for superbowl, I just had no time. I get nervous when my time fills up like that. I am always scared something is going to go wrong with Hubbins health ( I decided to change him from Hubs to Hubbins. lol)

At any rate, I don't even know if I typed it, but one of Hubbins pressure sores got infected. The big one that keeps tunneling. (Well, it's been infected since the first day the first home health nurse came out and put a bandage over it which blocked the sore from draining and caused the infection.) The infection just got worse. So they put him on antibiotics. Seems to be working except on Friday, after the home health nurse patted me on the back and told me I could be a nurse (uh, hell to the no) I went to high five hubbins hand and noticed he had a huge ass lump on his shoulder.

We think he has a muscle knot. But it could be a blood clot. But I'm pretty sure it's just a really bad muscle knot (please God, amen). The swelling went down but the knot is still there. (Here insert the crazy wanting to cry, scream and cuss that I am pushing to the back of my mind at this very moment.)

I don't know, he's really sore. It could be either way. He doesn't have fever or chills, no red streaks. From what I read when the sores are healing it's really painful because the nerves are raw.

SS and the boy are doing grrreat. CDQ and Poufy...not so great. I need to get them seperated. But they disrupt the other two so badly that it's not worth it. If I have 3 out of 5 behaving. It's better than splitting them and having the two that are worse disrupting the two that are moving forward right? Plus, I know they love to hate each other. fun.

As for me, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that Hubbins health will improve. The first thing I have planned "for me" is.... are you ready?

Drumroll please...

CAKE DECORATING! My mom and I wanted to do this like 12 years ago but we never got around to it (she claimed to never have time) and when I went in to see how much the class was and when it started I couldn't believe my eyes that the course and the supplies were all 50% off this month. I paid for my class and bought the course 1 supplies on Saturday and I start Thursday. I can't wait but I am also afraid something will happen before then that won't allow me to go.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just a realist. Something always happens. The real first thing I was supposed to do was go see Inkheart. But Hubbins was not well. Usually before my GS meetings he has a lot of trouble too. He gets mad when I say it but his body's timing is right on for any holiday or plans that we have. He always has trouble or if I get too excited I jinx it. It sucks.

So keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to be too excited about the class.


PS. If it sounds like I'm worried about missing the class, it's not that. I'm worried about making plans to be in the class somehow "causing" Hubbins health to get worse. That's what I dread about making plans. If I knew that his health would be good if I made no plans, I would never make another plan again. Seriously.