Too full for dessert...

Progress! Progress! Progress!

All I am going to say about CDQ and Poufy is that they are making zero effort. Poufy's *still* riding the birthday train and I think it has something to do with CDQ's b-day coming up. The oldest is also going to be celebrating her b-day this month but thankfully, it's just the other two who are passengers...

However, I have to say that everyone was befuddled today when the boy and SS said they were full. I made a very kid friendly dinner. Cheeseburgers and kraft mac'n cheese (which I never make). The boy ate half of his servings and SS ate it all but wanted no seconds. This, my friends is huge!
They each had one of Sheri's shortbread chocolate dipped cookies and SS couldn't finish hers.

Why is this so huge? Because they are H-A-P-P-Y. They didn't need to stuff themselves to feel loved or feel comforted. They are happy within themselves...even if it's just for today and that moment. It's the first time ever since their placement. They were smiling and not upset about being denied thirds or maybe even there not being seconds (happens sometimes). They were laughing and playing with the cats and dancing. It was what I would imagine normal would be for them.

I've been using "Mom" and "Dad" with them more often. I also know that reward systems shouldn't really appeal to them but for these two they seemed to have moved to a level where they need that recognition from us. "Super Kid!", "Great Job!", etc... They just beam. Oh and it's not directly stated to them. I've found when I do that they stare at the floor and they are unresponsive most of the time.

Some examples, a good attitude certificate casually left under a bowl of cereal (breakfast). A tag that says we love them and they did a great job following the rules attached to a cookie(snack). (I know all food related, but(!) the food isn't a reward, it's what they would normally eat and I plan on moving away from the food to other undisclosed locations (hee hee! Yeah, I am having fun with (some of )my kids!). It's all very discreet, like a secret. They don't show the excitement to us, but we can hear them talking to each other. ( I don't stick around when I leave something behind, that way they don't feel like they have to do something or say anything.) I should also note that hugs and the L word are getting thrown around like crazy at bedtime.

It all started with me yelling "Good night! I *might* love you !" and giggling like I needed to be committed. I don't know why I did it, or even said "might" but they ALL thought it was hilarious and yelled out that they loved me. Even the ones who were hating me all day. lol

But of course, if it's not one thing, it is another. I got a letter from the state of California that sent me into fits. The only thing the state of California promised us was AAP (Adoption Assistance Program). They said no matter what it was a guarantee and that we could really count on it. For some of you who have been reading a long time, you will remember when we almost lost our house because of California's promises. We believed them because this is a Federal program.

At any rate, this letter said we may or may not get the assistance next month or any other month and that maybe if we did it would be less than we usually get. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I felt so stupid. The new van, the oldest's tuition... why did I trust them?

Then I thought...wait a minute. This is from the county. AAP is a federal program maybe they aren't talking about us. So, I called. Yes, it's us. At the risk of sounding prejudice, I would have given my right arm to talk to a high school educated English speaker who could understand what I was saying. I could barely understand what the woman was saying and she must not have a clue about how funding works.

I asked her if AAP wasn't a federal program. She said it was, then I asked her where the funds had gone. She doesn't know. She just knows Sacramento said they don't have it. I asked her if the state had misused the funds. She got defensive.

Um, well, what am I to think? The federal government gives the state the money to disburse to the county, if the state doesn't have the money to give to the county and she's not saying the feds didn't give it to them, excuse my french, but where the fuck did the money go?

Ok, so giving the benefit of the doubt, say that the feds only allocated for so much and California had more families than they thought they were going to have on AAP. I asked what the fiscal year for the state was. I might as well have asked her if martians take dumps because she had no idea. I asked that thinking maybe when the fiscal year for the state ended and started over they would have a new budget.

She didn't get this. at. all.

She was saying how the state was a mess and it was the government,etc... I said "Well, there is a lot to fix because of Bush." to which she replied (and this left me speechless) "Well, if things weren't the way they are right now, the Democrats wouldn't have had a chance."

*sound of crickets chirping*

Like I should be fucking thanking my stars for monkey boy or something? Or should I be thinking those pair of "Mavericks" would have been the rightful messiahs? Pluheeze!

At that point, I knew I was wasting my breath. When I regained composure I chuckled. She said "while that's the way I feel." I chuckled some more. She said something more about the stimulus package not working, I sat there thinking and wondering how the hell this woman still had a job, how the hell she held a Master's degree, how the hell she didn't know the process for her position and how the hell she was afforded a vote barely being able to speak the language clear enough to be understood.

She kept babbling nonsense about e-mailing and calling, etc... I just kept saying ok, trying to end the call, knowing I wasn't going to get an intelligent informed answer. Then what made me lose my shit. "Do YOU understand?" she said to me. * I know!*

I fucking understand alright... I'm screwed.

IF this is to happen, I will be given 10 days notice. Which in actuality will be less than that since I have to wait for the letter in the mail. Ten.days.

I sit here thinking, one- I can't work anymore than I already am. I am working 45 hours a week. I can't work out of my home. Two, who the hell am I kidding, there isn't a single job opening in sight. It's been on the news every night.

I've been "working" on somethings for an etsy store. But last night, Hubbins was not doing well. He had me scared. He's back on antibiotics for an infection. Although, one pressure sore has healed, another is very close, the worst one is still not better. It tries and then it regresses.

He had me take out his blood pressure cuff and he was scared. I can't even begin to describe the levels of fear and anxiety that go through me. I feel like I can just die. Then I start to berate myself. How can I think I can do anything but be here? However it's going to sound. I am stuck here. I can't trust anyone else. I will never be able to hold down a job as long as Hubbins is alive. Even with an etsy store, I will only be able to sell inventory and not take on any jobs with deadlines.

I never know when his health will turn. I am so afraid for the next time... I'm afraid I will have to send Hubbins to the hospital alone. I have no help with the kids. Nothing. Some people think that might not be a big deal, but after witnessing Hubs almost be killed by an ICU nurse WHILE I was in the room (the first and last time I fell asleep that whole week), after his wishes were ignored and EVEN his requests to speak to his Doctor who was in hearing distance were denied. It scares me. Hubbins can't get up, can't lift a finger, can't yell. I've been with him when they put him at the end of the hallway, far away from the nurse's station. He can't yell out, he can't press a button, or pick up a phone. How was he supposed to call a nurse?

I know these are just things I have to deal with and hope and pray never happen. But I can't help but live in fear and I can't seem to control that fear anymore. Like the situation it can't be helped or avoided when it comes.

So I sit and wait. Maybe it's naivety. Maybe it's just plain out stupidity.

But I don't think MY President will fail me.