ICU Trip Number 2, Part 2

We walked quickly through the halls to the OR. The people kept apologizing for the wait. I filled them in on what I could remember. At the previous hospital, I was in the room with the man who put the PICC line in and he told me step by step what he was doing and why. It was a weird experience and at the time I couldn't understand why he wanted me to stay.

They asked me to wait outside and the big heavy doors slammed in front of me and then there was just silence. I felt so much shame for my stupidity and selfishness. I prayed some more and then I heard the words the man told me about Hubbins previous PICC line. He said he was using an artery that most people don't use because it has a 90 degree angle. He said in Hubbins case, his artery was excellent for the PICC because unlike other people's his blood flow was strong and in the right direction. I sat there kicking myself for not remembering to tell them.

Shortly after, a lady came out and told me they were having some trouble and that's why it was taking so long. I relayed what the other guy had told me about Hubbins artery and she said she would go in and tell them. About 8 minutes later, I heard whoots and yells of "YES!" and "It's IN!". Then the same girl came out, told me it was in and disappeared down the hall, she came back with an x-ray machine and through the doors she went. Shortly after that they opened the doors and told me I could go in and be with Hubbins while they waited for the x-ray. The x-ray came back perfect and off we went again.

We went back to the ER where they drew blood and got IV fluids going in him. We were there for another hour or so when they moved him to a room in ICU. When they admit Hubbins, I have to leave the room and wait in the waiting area. When they came and got me they told me Hubbins had a seizure. He had never had seizures before. He was trying to talk to me and his speech was slow and slurred and he couldn't stay awake. They told me this was normal after a seizure. The doctor asked me some questions. He thought maybe the lack of baclofen had caused the seizure since it's known to do that if you just stop cold turkey. He hadn't had any since early morning and the other hospital had cut his dosage in half.

For the most part Hubbins was stabilized now and it was his sleep apnea that was worrying the nurses. He stops breathing and takes a long time to start again. Sometimes, the lack of his snoring wakes me up and I have to yell at him to breathe. The level of care at this hospital was so different. They had quickly put Hubbins on a med regime and allowed for breakthrough pain meds to be administered.

I can't believe I am forgetting something so major. In the ER before he was admitted, the doctor came in and sat down and talked with me for half an hour, in the ER! He asked so many questions, I was surprised I had the answers. He was so thorough about Hubbins history, I was impressed. It was with that information, he created a treatment plan for Hubbins.

Anyhow, this stay at ICU was so much smoother and Hubbins was moved down to Intermediate Care after two days without incident. They didn't give him any meds like ativan to put him out. He spent most of the time lucid and watching the Food Network. His only problems was bloating and gas pain. Oh, and that atrocious bed. I don't know how those beds are supposed to be helpful.

I sat on his air bed at the other hospital and I jumped up quickly because I felt like that bed had violated my bottom!

He had minor spasms which caused his blood pressure to fluctuate but nothing major. After, I believe, three days in intermediate care, they discharged him and we've been home since.

I kept calling home to check on everyone and CDQ was better by the second day Hubbins was in the hospital. Although, things weren't to go as smoothly, considering the following:

1.) The day before we came home, the propane had run out. We were going to order more that first Monday but Hubbins got sick the weekend before.

2.) I was still on pins and needles up until Friday because my Mom was going to lose her job if she didn't get back to work by Wednesday. Her job allows ten occurrences before they fire people and they would not excuse her for this medical emergency. Hubbins was discharged so late on Tuesday night that we missed all flights going out and I had to send her on a plane Wednesday morning. She didn't arrive in Az until after 10 am and she went to work in the same clothes she came here in by 11 am, straight from the airport. Thankfully, she didn't get fired. They wrote her up and if she has one more occurrence she will be let go. I gave her a little money that I had because I know she won't be getting paid for the time she was here and she's having hard times already. I feel so bad. I know it wasn't nearly enough.

(I'm leaving a reminder for myself here to post about my Mom and this whole experience from that perspective. )

3.) Thursday night, I found myself plunging away at the kids toilet. Something was going on, suddenly, I realized how bad septic tanks are when stuff was coming into my tubs and showers. EWWW.

4.) Friday- I had to call a plumber to snake the line and pump the septic. Apparently, it was a toilet paper free for all while we were gone and that's what clogged the kid's toilet, which then backed up the entire house. The septic was an ordeal because we had no idea where it was at. By chance, I happened to mention to the guy that there was this weird piece of wood that has been sticking out of the ground since we moved here. Turns out, it was a marker for the septic. At $45 an hour to dig, plus $80 if they needed to use some mouse contraption doohickey, I was definitely relieved he found it in less than 15 minutes and cut us a break.

I can feel the knot forming in my neck from typing about all this. I am still waiting for the calm after the storm. Hubbins is still having some spasms and dysreflexia. He stayed in bed today. I'm hoping he'll stay in bed tomorrow and try to rest.

I hadn't bought a tree or finished decorating before all this happened so I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to catch up. But one thing is for sure, ever since the last trip to ICU years ago, I've been living with PTSD and hypervigilance. I've been so worried about going back that I haven't been living. I no longer feel that anymore. We've gone back twice and both times were different. Hubbins seems more like himself these days then he has in a long time. That final hour in the ER, when I thought we would break... Hubbins told me he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't hold on anymore, the pain was too much. I stood up and I told him that if he had to go, I would understand and it was ok. It broke my heart to pieces but I couldn't stand to see him suffer anymore. I told him, I didn't want him to go, but I would understand and I leaned down and hugged him and that is when the doors flew open...

ICU Trip Number 2, Part 1

The next morning, I was getting things ready to take Hubbins a bath when he started complaining about his blood pressure. My mom had gone to the drugstore to get his prescriptions and I was trying to figure out what was wrong.

Basically, his blood pressure bottomed out and we couldn't get a reading. The numbers just kept falling on the blood pressure machine. Nothing I did would cause spasms to get his blood pressure back up. I called his wound care nurse and she asked me a bunch of questions. Hubbins was sweaty and cold by then and she advised me to get him to the hospital ASAP.

I called my mom to tell her to come home quick. She told me the insurance was questioning the prescription for a phosphate replenisher type drink. We have yet to find out what happened with that, but thank God, Hubbins doesn't need it.

I called an ambulance for Hubbins and I had asked the wound care nurse which hospital she thought he should go to. I requested he be taken there.

Now, here's where I need to back up a little. When I got home that night, CDQ was in bad shape. She had been throwing up the night before and had a fever. I took her temp and it was 101.1. She complained of pain on her lower left side and her tongue was white. I realized quickly she was dehydrated and constipated so it was milk of magnesia and pedialyte for her.

Next, one of my bettas died and another had popeye and cloudy eye. Luckily, I had the meds for that and quickly dosed him. As of this minute, he needs a water change but his sickness is almost gone.

Thirdly, I had thought that Lil Miss Purries had gone feral on me again for leaving her. The last time Hubbins was in ICU, we had no one and I wouldn't leave his side. Poor Purrs was only with us for a week when that happened and when we finally came home, she had gone feral on me.

I tried to pick her up and comfort her but she was screaming at me and swatting me with her paws. When she put her teeth gently on my hand I lost it. I put her down and I went to my bathroom and cried. Something told me to go back and check her. Her nose was dry, her ears were warm and her gums were white and not the healthy pink they usually are. Quickly, I realized she was sick too.

My mom had gone out that night and did a run for the milk of magnesia, Pedialyte and dinner for us adults. When she got home, I carried Purrs to her and told her that Purrs was sick. At that exact moment, something shot out of Purrs backside. It smelled awful and I thought she had gone potty. Unfortunately for my Mom, it shot on to her bare leg.

Turns out Lil Purrs had an abscess on her hind hip and it popped at that moment. I had to get diluted betadine, neosporin, q-tips and saline. I wrapped her tightly propped her and proceeded to empty her abscess, irrigate it with saline, and then clean it with betadine and applied neosporin. She was not happy to say the least. But the most insulting thing is probably the cone thing I made for her head out of a manila file folder to keep her from licking it. She's doing better now but still has the cone on.

All that took place the night before Hubbins went back to ICU. The next day after the ambulance left, I realized Purrs had a second abscess under the first and had to drain and dress it before I left to be with Hubbins.

When I got to the hospital, something was going on with Hubbins. They had an ultrasound machine on him looking for a good vein. They had used all his veins the previous week and they had removed the PICC line they put in at the other hospital. Because Hubbins was dehydrated and his blood pressure was low, his veins were constricted and they could not draw any blood. They couldn't even get a central line in him.

The doctor actually walked out saying she didn't know what to do for him. His nurse was pissed. I asked what was going on and it turned out Hubbins was on a list for a PICC line. He was number 8 on the list and they were all emergencies.

I told Hubbins nurse that I knew he probably couldn't tell me anything but I asked him if this was his family member what would he do? Would he transfer him to another hospital where he could get the PICC in faster. He explained to me that there was only one hospital left, and that they had just had a guy who went there with a bad headache, waited for 12 hours in the ER and was given an anti nausea medication and sent home. He came to this hospital the next morning and they found out he had bleeding on the brain. We had already had a bad experience with that hospital and vowed never to go there again before he had told me this story anyway.

He told me that in the condition that Hubbins was in, he should not be transported anywhere. He said he is frustrated as well and felt like his hands were tied. He said the decision to take out the PICC line at the other hospital was a bad one and he promised me that as soon as Hubbins got the PICC line in things would go quickly.

Three hours....three hours of hearing Hubbins beg not to die. Three hours of pain because they wouldn't give him anything, no pain meds, no spasm meds because they didn't know his situation. Three hours of up and down blood pressure. I started praying for Hubbins. I was having my tantrum with God but I really needed help. If he ever heard me, I prayed for him to help Hubbins, to give the pain to me. I would take it without complaint.

I stood there next to his bed praying with my arms around his head trying to comfort him, my mind racing and sometimes the words escaping me and having to start the prayer over. There was so much clarity while I prayed. So much of the little shit I had fought so hard over and got so angry with God over. The people that I let sway me at the catholic school and the knights of columbus. I prayed the Hail Mary and the Our Father over and over again and I spoke to God like I used to before I got so jaded.

There were times when Hubbins was lucid enough to say Amen. But he mainly begged God not to let him die. I was scared for him too. But something huge had happened the night before. After everything had died down, I had went into our room where I found Hubbins in tears. He said Squishy (Bela, our niece who was murdered by her father) had come in the room and she had her arms outstretched to give him a hug but he told her he couldn't. He was crying because he was worried he had hurt her or that she wouldn't understand. He was crying that it was so unfair that she had to be gone. I told him she would understand, when my friend Karlton died, I had a dream that we were sitting on a bench outside where we used to work and we were talking and laughing just like old times but then it hit me, he was dead. I just couldn't do it because the reality hurt so bad I woke up. I felt so bad for doing that and no matter how hard I tried I could never dream like that again. So real and lifelike.

I told him, she was just coming by to give him a hug and tell him everything was going to be ok because he was there for her and comforted her when she was 2 weeks old and was in such bad shape. I told him that was probably the first time she felt unconditional love and he gave that to her. That second stay in ICU, I kept that in my heart and mind constantly. It's not the first time Hubbins has seen dead people. His Grandmother sent him back to me years ago when we first moved here and he ended up in the ICU.

I kept telling him he wasn't going to die and he was going to be ok. Just when I thought we would break, the doors slid open and they whisked him out the door and off we went to get the PICC line in....

ICU trip number 1

Sorry if I don't remember dates, everything has been such a blur the past two weeks.

I believe it was three Saturdays ago, I ended up taking Hubbins in to the ER. I had to call an ambulance for him and I had to fly my mom in to take care of the kids.

Hubbins is taking vicodin for pain and baclofen to relax his muscles because of his spasms. Because of the yeast infection he had for so long (I don't know if I told that story but making a note to myself because it definitely needs to be told) he was having terrible spasms for weeks on end that would not let up for hours. We are talking leg, bladder and stomach spasms that were wretching him from his bed from like midnight to 6am at times. This caused him to take more of the above drugs to try and lessen the pain and spasms, which in turn ended up causing a bowel obstruction which unfortunately wasn't detected because of the diflucan he was taking for the yeast infection. Not to get too graphic but somehow he became constipated while having diarrhea and they ended up having to insert an NG tube in the ER to remove the obstruction.

From there everything is kinda blurry. First, he had colitis, then c-diff, then sepsis. At one point they thought he was having a heart attack.

In a previous post, I had suspected he was in respiratory depression and I was correct. They had overdosed him on Morphine and vicodin. Then they gave him something called norcam or norcan (sp?) to reverse it. But in doing so, they reversed all the narcotics and sent him in to vicodin withdrawals. He was sweaty and hallucinating, he was screaming nonsense, he thought he was going to die.

I asked a nurse about it and he told me "not to baby him". He said he was sick and he felt lousy and what was happening was normal. During this time Hubbins was also being given zosyn

(sp?) and flagyl for the c-diff bacteria he supposedly had. Every time they gave him those antibiotics Hubbins would go into fits and tell them he didn't want it and that there was something wrong. He was ignored, he was told that he had to have it because the doctor said, he was told his symptoms were not any that these drugs would cause and none of the nurses ever told the doctor.

I can't remember which day it was but the doctor had come in and told me things were good with Hubbins and they were going to move him down. But the next thing I know, they had an EKG hooked up to him and no one was saying anything to me. I asked the lady doing the EKG what was going on and she showed me the printout with a bunch of wavy lines and something that started with an M and tachy something on it. I had no idea. This is when they suspected a heart attack. They drew blood for cardiac enzymes and it all came back normal. They had also drawn blood to check his blood gases or something like that and it showed that his levels of potassium where so low it was coming across as a heart attack.

Hubbins did not have a heart attack. Neither did he have c-diff AND it turned out he was very allergic to the antibiotics they had now been giving him for 5 DAYS.

One nurse listened to me. I had noted all his symptoms and complaints, I had noted times when things would start and what had changed or had been given to him. This nurse called in the caseworker for the hospital and he in turn called in the doctor and the night shift supervisor for the nurses. I let loose. I told everything, details, down to who stood where and what they said.

Nurses were going to be in trouble because not one had reported what Hubbin's and I had been telling them to about the antibiotics. The doctor ordered the antibiotics to be discontinued on the spot.

Then miracles of miracles. The very next morning, Hubbins just had low phosphate and he was going to be discharged and all was good according to them. Hubbins and I were skeptical but we wondered if he wouldn't be better off at home anyway considering what they had done to him the past 5 days.

Hubbins was discharged and high as a kite on ativan. He slept through the night in his bed but the next morning the nightmare was to begin all over again.

PS. I know I am forgetting things and I will try to add them as I remember.

Home from the ICU x2

I have so much to tell you guys about the past 2 weeks.

Finally it's over. (Please...Amen!)

Hubbins came home yesterday, he's in the kitchen making apple crisp with the kids. I hope he's not over doing it. I am so grateful to be able to hear them in there laughing and joking around.

CDQ was sick but is feeling better. Lil Miss Purries is on the mend and so is my fish, Junior. When things hit the fan here they hit the fan all at once. *sigh*

I've been reading trying to catch up with everyone...but holy moly...I'm not sure if I can.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Quick Update...

Hubbins is in ICU, he has been here since Saturday. Things were looking good but now I think they are giving him too much meds and I have to wait until shift change or the doc comes in because the nurse he has now is nice enough, but I don't think he's listening to what Hubbins is saying and at this very moment he is watching tv. Argh!

I've been googling and it seems Hubbins may be going into respiratory depression because of the dizziness and the feelings of not being able to breath the meds are causing. He's on morphine, hydrocodone, baclofen and oxybutynin. All those drugs cause dizziness and possible shortness of breath especially in the elderly or debilitated.

We've had excellent concerned nurses so far, but this one... I hope the hours fly by for the doc to come in. She's wonderful too and I know if she knew about this she would change her orders. I wish I knew more about our rights.

Today is also Bela's birthday. She would have been 4 years old. I'm going to get off the computer (thank goodness for our netbook and courtesy wifi from the hospital) since Hubbins has calmed and seems to be sleeping some. I'm trying to get rest when he is. This is all just so stressful.

Lord of the Dance or Karma?

So, I told Hubbins I was going to post about this incident and he told me "you are sooooo wrong." and you know what he is probably right, but I am the one sporting the bruise and I figure I have the right. LOL!

Hubbins' yeast infection has been causing the spasms. We have a hospital bed in our house for him. When I work on him, I'll put the head up or down or whatever.

This particular time, I was trying to distract him from the spasms and decided I would try to be funny. Well, actually, I try to be funny but it doesn't always work. I probably come off more of a jerk than anything because who really wants to laugh when they are in pain?

Anyhow, his legs were kicking really high when I put his head down. They were bending at the knee as if he were kind of skipping in air. It's hard to describe.

I told him something to the effect of "Oh, you think you're bad because you can do the River dance?, Show off!"

He replied to me "I am Lord of the Dance."

I stood straight up laughing about to say something else when I got a sharp knee to my locked hip.

OW-WEE!

I had an instant bruise that's how hard it hit. I suppose I had it coming...but still. Also, I couldn't help but use the situation to my advantage to tease him some more.

What can I say it's my job. lol!

Little Miracles and a rant...

So Black Friday morning I had big plans to rush out at the butt crack of dawn and get my paws on jackets, pjs and clothes. Not much toys on the list. Just the necessities since that was what seemed to be the jackpot in sales for my family.

However, it didn't happen. Hubbins' spasms started up and would not stop. There was no way I was leaving him with all the kiddos. So I was a little down about missing out on what would have saved us a ton.

Then Flo came to town and even though that bitch she was visiting, I was coping pretty well.

See, Hubbins' body has a way of knowing when to sabotage something. I know that sounds like an awful thing to say. I don't blame Hubbins at all or anything like that but his body is known for it's uncooperative spirit, especially around holidays. Poor guy is almost always in pain. I hate it. I hate feeling so helpless.

Anyhow, of course, his spasms stopped around 8 am or so. We went about our day and at around 4 pm, I decided that maybe I would go see what I could dig up if anything.

The first store I went to had nothing. The next I scored some awesome clearance shoes the kids are going to love. They were $5 and it was a buy one get one 50% off sale including clearance. Sweet!

I decided to trudge over to THE store. You know the one with the W? Instead of going to the one by our house, I went to the one down the hill. I walked around that store at least 10 times. I saw one of the few toy sale items in the middle areas and I realized that there were still some things to be found.

I needed three jackets at the very least. My other two have new jackets already. These were the $35 and $45 jackets for $15. I looked through baskets that were left behind, stacks of crap every where and in the middle of the girls section, I found two lone brown and green jackets hanging from an otherwise empty rack. I slowly went over and that's when I realized these were what was left of the $15 jackets. I grabbed them and laid them on my cart,looking and looking for a tag for the sizes. Medium and Large. EXACTLY what I needed! I raced to the women's department because my oldest needs a jacket too. I searched and left and came back and searched again. That's where I found the sale jeans and hoodies I wanted to get her.

Just as I was going to check out, I decided to give it one more go. I found the poofy $7 jackets in sizes XXL and up. I was just about to give up when I decided to look through a rack of jackets that was more her size but not on sale. That's when I saw the 4 in 1 system tag. Just like the ones on the other two jackets. I dug through those other jackets until I pulled out the tag from the rest, it was a pink, white and black jacket size SMALL. Exactly what I needed AND it would match the shoes perfectly that I bought from the other store.

I had tears in my eyes as I raced across the store to the only scanner I could find earlier. I scanned all the jackets (just to be extra sure!) and it was like Christmas morning just for me. I had what I needed the most. I felt so blessed. I scoured that store and I feel pretty confident in saying that those were the only three jackets left in the whole store. I know it probably sounds sappy or like it's not a big deal. But it's huge to me. Even as little as it may seem that's how much and how long things have not been going our way.

It was almost too much because it came on the heels of Apple telling me that morning that I was getting a new computer. I felt like I was dreaming. Even now as I type this, I am getting a little misty eyed. I know it won't be the same way to my kids Christmas morning when they open them, but hell, I know they will be super warm and that's what counts. I have to at least be able to pull out the basics, ya know?

I guess that's why it burned me so much when my Mom called. She told me how the kids bio mother dragged her to Best Buy for Black Friday and how they didn't get in the store and ended up missing the other sales waiting. I was just so pissed.

I told her, I didn't know about Best Buy's sale because I have kids now who have needs. Of course, she said nothing. This whole thing has been one free ticket for all of them.

It makes me beyond angry that parents get to walk away from supporting their children. I wonder if people know that, especially those paying child support. Do you know if you are a total screw up and your parental rights are terminated, you don't have to pay the bill? You are free from your obligation and the tax payers pick up the cost of raising your kid, or the people who step up and take them in?

Seems to me that there should be a big pot and anyone who has a child they are not physically supporting whether terminated or not should have to pay to this pot. I mean, is that idea so far fetched? Making the bio parents responsible? Hell, dollars to donuts, I bet we already paid for the birth of the child. Why does it fall on us to figure out how to help these kids financially when we are already working so hard to pick up the pieces from all the trauma? Why is there no accountability for the bio parents? I know somebody has to do it, but still. The bio parents should not be released from the responsibility. They should pay for what they did to their children. Institutionalization, Meds, RAD camp, therapy whatever it is any other parent is required to pay for.

YET, if we disrupt we are most definitely on the line for every penny that child may need until they are 18? Plus,we aren't allowed to adopt again? The bios can continue to have replacement children at our expense and that's ok too? Sheesh!

Why do I have to chase down a basic necessity, while she's shopping at Best Buy?

I'll still pull through for Christmas and for their b-days in January, February and March. Somehow, I make it through... but that doesn't stop me from burning up over her newfound freedom from responsibility and lying in the bed that she made. Ya know?

I did every thing I could to make sure that I would never find myself in this very position, I guess the joke was on me.