The next morning...

This actually started here and then I continued here and now this is the rest below...

So the next morning I rounded up the herd in the kitchen and I asked them if they thought when I disciplined them it was because they were crying. I asked them to raise their hands. CDQ did and so did the boy.  The oldest was confused by the topic and SS said that she didn't think that. Poufy said that "they got disciplineded" because they did things they weren't supposed to be doing. SS agreed with Poufy. 

BTW, Poufy likes to ask me if she is being hayved (behaving) isn't that cute?

CDQ said that she felt that they got in trouble because they were crying for things they needed.  A huge bell went off in my head when she said that.  I asked the boy why he thought that it was because he cried.  He wasn't sure. So I told him to think about something I had been talking to him about for weeks. Honestly, I can't remember right now. But it fit the situation for my example. Let's just say it was a toy, that's not what it was but I just can't seem to remember.  I asked the kids if they could tell me how many times I've said something about it... there was consensus that it had been "a lot" then I asked them how long have I been saying it...apparently over a week.  Then I said so when you lose it as a consequence, do you think you lost it because you were crying or because you didn't put it away.  Then he understood that pretty much everything ENDS with him crying because of the consequence and not caused by his crying because he didn't start crying until he found out his consequence.  

Then I got another idea. I said I think that when they first moved here that they didn't realize that our house was different so they kept living the same way.  I said that Hubbins and I didn't realize what they had been through because nobody had said anything about it. Then when people started saying really bad things had happened to them, Hubbins and I didn't know what real bad things meant because in our world we couldn't imagine what really bad things were, or at least nothing like what really happened to them. So we were trying to raise them like kids who always had what they needed and were just doing bad things. Then they started telling us themselves what had happened and we started to understand some. 

Then CDQ said. Yeah, with (the bios) we got in trouble because we cried because we didn't have food or anything to drink and we got in trouble. 

I told her that we didn't know that and when we said you had a choice to stop the bad behavior and have dinner with the family (most rages used to occur as dinner was being made or just before)  or have a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed, we thought it was a choice for you.  Then I asked them if normally you give someone the choice to either have dinner with the family or to have a peanut butter sandwich, which one would they think the person would choose?

Of course, now that most of my kids are mostly regulated and not living so much in fear, they can see that choice but I know before they couldn't. Still my point hit home and I was learning so much from them. 

Then a great thing happened yesterday, at least for CDQs peace of mind. The boy got in "trouble". It's in quotes because I didn't think of him as being in trouble. I was thinking he didn't sleep well and needed a break or a nap or something.  Anyhow, The Boy had been on the computer doing his homeschool for most of the morning and normally he loves it and shouts out his scores or what he's doing next but that morning he was just not into it. He was not paying attention to his computer and looking at everyone else's computers. Just plain not there. I had told him several times prior to CDQ starting her work that he needed to pay attention to his own work. Finally it was like the 20th time (yeah, I haven't learned that I probably should have redirected him to a break rather than keep telling him to pay attention a lot sooner.)   when I told him he had to take a break. I told him to just go to his room and relax, take a nap if he needed to but he was done for now.  That brought out tears as he went to his room. I told him he wasn't in trouble it was just a break. 

I decided I would take that opportunity to discuss a real live (since it was happening at that moment) example with CDQ. I asked her if she had noticed how many times I had told him to pay attention to his work. She said at least 4 (she had been out working for about 30 minutes at that point) and yes, she had noticed this time because of what we talked about. She noticed how he was still crying even though I had told him he wasn't in trouble and how she sees that I wasn't like M or J at all and that I am "actually trying to help him." She said she had thought about it last night and she knows the difference between discipline and being mean. 

SCORE!!!! 

Next time, hallucinations and hearing voices...She's not just living in a fantasyland. 

Also, how I found a cool way to compromise on the music issue on my own. 

Oh and I guess I should also mention how we resolved the boy's issue and it ended on a good note.

Unless I blog about how my first therapy session goes, it's today. In which case, the above are notes to myself to remember to post about those things.