And then the RAD hit the fan...

I mentioned my mom flew in to help with the kids. Day 2 of ICU stay number 1, the honeymoon was over. Poufy started giving my mom a run for her money.

I was talking to my mom over the phone, it went something like this...

Her: She looked me straight in the eye and lied to me!

Me: Mmm Hmmm....

Her: Like it was nothing.

Me: Mmm Hmmm, I told you this.

Her: Does she think I'm stupid and I'm not going to know she's obviously lying.

Me: She doesn't care.

Then the next day SS and the boy decided to give it a shot. I spent over an hour explaining what to look for, how we head it off, what the consequences are, etc... This time she was listening and the response was like:

Her: Oh hell no, they aren't going to be doing that crap when *I* am around.

Me: *chuckling* and shaking my head on the other side of the phone thinking been there, done that.

By day 4 of ICU stay number 1, she did me proud. Really. Apparently the oldest thought she was going to slide and be lazy with her chores and lie about what she was supposed to do and not do and what she was allowed to do. The conversation that did me proud:

The oldest in the background whining: But I did do it.

Me: What's going on?

My Mom: (To me on the phone): Hold on.

My Mom: (To the oldest) Uh uh. You're going to go back in there and do it right, I'm pretty sure your Mom doesn't allow you to do it like that, it's not even clean. Go on, get your butt back in there and do it right. If you had done it right the first time, you would be done.

(The oldest has kitchen duty, dishes by hand ever since she broke the brand new dishwasher-twice.)

And that's the way it was from then on. She was on them constantly. Don't get me wrong, she fought it because like so many of us who are first learning, we don't buy that kids this age aren't being anything but little @$$%^($$ on purpose--oh was that just me?

She witnessed the greed over food, the nastiness at the table if they think they can get away with it. Poufy stealing. I told her these things were really nothing compared to what it was like before. Things had settled down for the most part and this stuff was all manageable. I know she thought I was out of my mind. But on her very first visit shortly before Thanksgiving, as soon as she came in the door and sat down, I gave her the list of RAD symptoms and causes, etc... She couldn't deny the kids could put a check next to nearly every cause.

Something changed after that first visit too. When ever she referred to Hubbins or I to the kids, we were now Mom and Dad. Your Mom wouldn't like that, does your Dad let you do that?, etc...

She noted that the kids get angry when I would refer to their bio mother as their "Mom" and she told me to stop doing it. I've almost completely stopped but it's been such a habit that it slips out before I know it, but at least I apologize to them now. I was so worried about them thinking I was trying to TAKE that place that I never really stopped to see that it was what they wanted. At least the four younger ones.

My Mom helped me so much these past two weeks. She stepped up to the plate and she got it. She wasn't perfect, she did some things that were mistakes- like feeling sorry for the kids and letting her guard down but she learned too. Hell, I still make the mistake of feeling sorry and letting consequences slide and then I pay dearly for it.

I remember on one of my short stops home to fix the cameras and the phone (I KNOW, everything fell apart while I was gone!), I was standing in the front doorway getting ready to leave and I told my mom I was surprised she didn't catch on to CDQ's stomach problem... get this...she turned to me and said:

"Well, it's hard to go from no kids to 5 kids from one day to the next!"

I swear I stood there and stared at her. Then I said "How do you think I felt/feel?" She looked a little dumbfounded but then it sunk in. I hope she thought about it.

I've been trying to give her little food for thought tidbits to make her think a little. The other night she was complaining to me about my Aunts and Uncle and Grandparents and how awful they are. I told her she didn't need to tell me because I already knew. When she was winding down, I told her to think about the things she had just said about them and how it hasn't changed and then to think about how she left me with them when I was just a kid and how she used to tell me I was weird. I told her I did what I had to, to survive with all their quirks and weirdness and I was just a kid. She stayed quiet. What I hate is that I want her to see my side. I'm not judging her as a mother, what ever happened- happened and it's over and can't be changed. But I just want her to understand somewhat where I am coming from. She tends to take it as judgement.

The whole time we were in the second ICU stay I was on pins and needles because I knew my mom's job was in jeopardy. That morning when the ambulance took Hubbins away for the second time, I was about to cry because I was worried about my mom and her job. I knew how hard it was for her to find that job and I knew she was already behind in her bills and having car trouble back at home. I actually saw my mom have empathy for me. She looked like she was about to start crying and she actually came over to me and gave me a hug. I cannot remember her ever giving me a hug. EVER. I'm sure she probably did when I was like under 4 years old or something but I was so caught up, I pushed her away.

I told her I was worried about her job and she told me not to worry about it. But later after I had sent her back, the oldest told me that my mom must've forgotten that she (the oldest) was sitting in the kitchen because she (my Mom) walked into the kitchen and was crying while she was cooking dinner for the kids.

Hubbins and I have been trying to figure out a way to get her to move out here. She was talking about it before and there are going to be layoffs at her place of work in January and March because they are going to be sending her job overseas. Her lease on her place is up in February. In the end, I won't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing as far as the rest of the family showing up out here. I'm hoping it won't happen. One of my sisters has bought a house and her husband doesn't want to leave. They have good jobs too. The kids bio mother has also bought a house, so it won't be as easy for them to leave the state. My little sister is unable to leave the state until July. I'm not sure on the specifics of why...but she wants to move back to CA anyway.

As for the kids bio mother, my mom has seen how important it is for the kids to feel safe and protected from their bio parents. In one conversation we had talked about how their bio mother didn't need to know where my mom was living, she only needed to know a phone number to reach her and if she needed her, she could call her and my mom could go to her if necessary. My mom was completely onboard with that thought.

So it is a possibility. I'm not going to get my hopes up too high. But the level of stress that I am under now would drop significantly if I knew I had someone else that I could trust to keep Hubbins and the kids safe. It's hard being the only one that they all have. I worry so much about something happening to me and what they all would do. It's scary.