What's going on here...

Well...

A lot and not much at the same time.

I have my inflammation under wraps. I've had a few flare ups but mostly just achy muscles because I have become so weak from the Ibuprofen and not moving much. I think I might have a broken foot but nothing I can do about it.

I guess the big announcement is that my mother and my grandmother are coming to live with me.  I asked my mom two months ago if she could come and help me.  Friday was her last day of work.  My grandmother is moving here because no one else takes care of her but my mother. She has alzheimer's and diabetes. My mom has diabetes too. Both aren't doing too well.

So...I don't know if I am adding to the house o'crap or actually going to have help. My mom has called freaked out the past couple of days.  My siblings and her siblings and my grandmother's husband have been giving her shit.  She's scared and mad.

I'm royally pissed.  I'm trying to keep my cussing to a minimum. But....

so.hard.

She's been crying and I'm not really used to that much. I have to keep reassuring her everything will be alright...that part, I'm used to. I'm worried about falling back into role reversals. I've always been the responsible one. *sigh*

I think in some ways, she's relieved to be leaving there and in others she's worried.  I don't know if she's doing this because she feels guilty. She told the others that this is the only thing I have ever asked of her and she needs to help me. It's true. I've never asked anyone for anything.  This was the hardest thing to do, but I know if I don't get help...I won't be around much longer.

The kids bio mom is in the hospital. She's been there for over a week.  I know people are going to get their panties in a knot over this one, but they can't figure out what's wrong with her and I hope she dies.  I have every right to say that. She's my half sister and she's been a mistake since the day she was born.  The best thing she can do for my children is die. Then they won't have to be looking over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. Maybe their nightmares will go away too.  Maybe their smiles might become genuine.

So, I've been busy either trying to move things around in my house to make room for two more people or stuck in my chair unable to move from pure exhaustion from just breathing I guess.  Hubbins is talking about getting me a rolling cart for my computer because I'm not able to sit at my desk for very long.

I read this awesome letter by Amanda, oh did I laugh and not feel so all alone.  For me, she hit the nail on the head for the most part. I don't have a team of people or medical for that matter...but the cooking and hoarders, and showers....yup! Let's not forget the people who piss me off. LOL!

Oh and Hubbins sores are doing awesome, I am going to make myself take pictures of the wound vac and write about it because it is awesome. I know a lot of people come here for my pressure sore post and this is a must post.

Well, my right hand is starting to shake for some reason so I'm out of here for now.



Hope all is well with everyone.

When Bios Show Up...

So the kid's bio mother showed up at my house.

Sadly, it had truly nothing to do with the children. She wants me.  She wants me to pay for all she has done.  Everything regarding her life and the kids and her bad choices are my fault.

Yeah.

She was outside my house screaming.  Some people drove her here from the state she resides in. I called the police.

You will all love this part. Even with the TPR, even with the closed adoption agreement, even with the offer of supplying birth certificates.... I have no help.

This is what I was told,

These matters change all the time, if she had a court order to see her children, she would be allowed.

Uh, What. The. Fuuuuck???

I guess closed adoption means nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

Bottom line, it's a civil matter and they are just here to keep the peace.

Funny thing, I wanted to press charges for abuse, they told me I couldn't because she had already been charged and convicted and it would be double jeopardy.

So in other words, she has to abuse my kids again and then I can go after her.

My kids are hanging in here. I was able to divert them with music in one of the rooms at the back of the house. They knew something was up but they never saw her or the police. I decided to play it straight with them and tell them the truth. They all had stomach troubles last night and ate twice as much as they normally do. We had an impromptu slumber party and watched episodes of Man V. Food until nearly midnight.


I decided to go the truth route because I figured we needed a plan. What if they had been playing outside? What exactly are they supposed to do if she shows again? So we covered those things. We also talked about how one of their worst nightmares had come true and how they are safe, protected and loved and how everything is still the same.  CDQ actually clung to me for comfort. She has never come to me before like that.  That's a breakthrough right there. I also told them that although I could understand why they felt so afraid, she should also realize that they are not helpless babies anymore.  They are strong kids with voices that count.  I told them when they were little she probably seemed like such a big big person to them but in reality they are probably almost as tall as her now. (She's 4'11")

I wanted them to feel empowered.

As for me, there must be a God because I begged Him for help.  I wanted to kill her and it was a fight between mind and body.  My body was shaking so hard from restraining myself.  I kept telling myself how much the kids and Hubbins needed me. I called my mother and stayed on the phone with her.  If I hadn't, I don't know if I would have stayed inside.

As far as the RA, I've found a way to eliminate inflammation through herbs and supplements and I have been building up my weak muscles, but with the adrenaline that was pumping through me, I don't think it would have mattered. I know that this isn't the answer, but all I can think of is how my kids could finally feel safe if she weren't walking this Earth.

Oh and to the assholes who sold my information for $50, I hope you get your just rewards and it was worth it, because I blame you and once I find out which place it was, there will be trouble.

Can't say for sure

when I will be back. It's very painful to type this now.  I'm doing it with my left hand since my right is locked into a claw position and hurts to move the vein even or at least that's what it feels like.

Hanging in here.

I am breathing...dang it!

So you know when you can feel yourself escalating and you don't know why?

No, um ok...

Well, anyway, I feel myself escalating over nothing. To see me, you would see a person who is calmly typing or walking through the house doing a little of this and that...but inside...oooh boy!

I thought about saying "screw it all" and taking off to the movies...but honestly, I'm so wound up, I'm not even sure I could watch a movie. It would be a waste of money, at least for the movie portion...now movie snacks on the other hand....hmmmmm.

You know what though? I miss them all when I'm gone. For real!

Some people might think I'm strange considering the way I go on and on, but I miss them when I am gone almost every time. I would liken it to the mother whose kid is in daycare saying first words and learning how to walk while she's at work.  My kids are different little people and I learn new things about them every day. Some great, some not so great.  With their new found feelings of security, they have been able to shine through all the fear and I have some awesome little kids.

Yes, I know they are all pushing 10 or just over 10 mostly, but that's not what I see. For the most part, I see chubby little toddlers finding their way.  Not literally...of course. But you know...

The breathing technique in Beyond Consequences was working for me,  but not today.  (Note to God...haha, you are soooooo funny.  Just make me go through every thing my kids do, huh?)  I'm not trying to make this blog all about me, and it's not even that it matters, but holy hell, is this what PTSD is like? I think all that time that I had "meltdowns" with my kids in the past is now coming on as a full blown loss of mind.  All that time when everything was crumbling around me and I was trying to be a rock and make the right decisions, it's catching up to me now in the "calm of the storm".

I feel at this very moment that I have nothing to be stressing about. But it won't shut off. UGH!

I write this because I know somewhere someone will read this and agree with me.  Someone else is feeling like this right now about something.

I read the Reiki principles at the top of my blog, I so want to feel that. I keep telling myself: One.Minute.At.A.Time.   Yet somehow my minute has extended to days, maybe even weeks. I never was and still am not good at telling time.

So, I guess it's time to ask myself, "What the hell are you scared of?"

Good Question...

So tired...

I gotta tell you this sucks.

My neck is good now and the inflammation in my knuckles and some of my fingers has gone down, but my eyes are all droopy and tired like.

But hey, did you know about the cortisol studies for mom's like us? Did you also know about something called Adrenal Fatigue?  Guess who has the symptoms? Guess what Adrenal Fatigue can bring on...if you guessed arthritis...here's 10 points for you.  I've been wanting to do a post with links on this. (*Note to self...post with links. )

I'm afraid I'm gonna forget things.

This week was hell, I found myself speeding home just to get away from CDQ. I locked myself in the bathroom as soon as we got home and cried my heart out.  Rest assured it's not even CDQ that is the issue. It's the therapist.  I've been starting to feel an irrational resentment towards CDQ.  I fully know it's irrational and I know it has more to do with my growing dislike for her therapist.   Every time I see CDQ, I am able to push aside any dumb feelings that start to surface to be there for her, but God knows I want to quit every few days or so.

I. need. a. break.

Seriously.

What's getting to me the most is that, things aren't so bad around here.  I mean really. No more rages, no more stealing, no more pissing on the floors and crapping on the walls. I've survived what I thought was the worst.

But I think the worst is yet to come.  My kids are comfortable now. They are sharing in detail their abuses. When I can, I sit with them and it becomes a torture marathon.  As one kid comes in right after another, I listen to the abuses they've been through or those that they've witnessed.  I feel like some kind of twisted Santa Claus, they sit on my lap in my recliner and I rock them if I can as they tell me these gruesome things. I reassure them that it was never their fault but they still don't believe.  I carry this all inside just like they do. It didn't happen to me and I'm not so confused about the rage I feel.  Do your kids share with you?

My eyes are so dry they sting and burn, another symptom. Bear with me, I will try to update when I can. I'm thinking of keeping a notebook so I can remember it all.  If I could find a way to vlog private from the kids I will do it.  I might have to move my computer into the closet.  I don't think that's really possible since my desk is 6 ft long, I'd have to move dressers and clothes out of there. The other thing is Hubbins has been bedridden and my computer is in the room. I don't know how well a vlog would go with him butting in every minute. lol!

I'll see what I can do, in the meantime, I hope everyone is well.

Still around...

as usual a TON to post about but my neck has been locked up since Wednesday afternoon and sitting up still hurts some.

Add two wisdom teeth which are insisting my bottom jaw make room for them and I just want to scream....ARGHHHH!

Trying to remember everything I want to share.

Hope all is well with everyone.

The next morning...

This actually started here and then I continued here and now this is the rest below...

So the next morning I rounded up the herd in the kitchen and I asked them if they thought when I disciplined them it was because they were crying. I asked them to raise their hands. CDQ did and so did the boy.  The oldest was confused by the topic and SS said that she didn't think that. Poufy said that "they got disciplineded" because they did things they weren't supposed to be doing. SS agreed with Poufy. 

BTW, Poufy likes to ask me if she is being hayved (behaving) isn't that cute?

CDQ said that she felt that they got in trouble because they were crying for things they needed.  A huge bell went off in my head when she said that.  I asked the boy why he thought that it was because he cried.  He wasn't sure. So I told him to think about something I had been talking to him about for weeks. Honestly, I can't remember right now. But it fit the situation for my example. Let's just say it was a toy, that's not what it was but I just can't seem to remember.  I asked the kids if they could tell me how many times I've said something about it... there was consensus that it had been "a lot" then I asked them how long have I been saying it...apparently over a week.  Then I said so when you lose it as a consequence, do you think you lost it because you were crying or because you didn't put it away.  Then he understood that pretty much everything ENDS with him crying because of the consequence and not caused by his crying because he didn't start crying until he found out his consequence.  

Then I got another idea. I said I think that when they first moved here that they didn't realize that our house was different so they kept living the same way.  I said that Hubbins and I didn't realize what they had been through because nobody had said anything about it. Then when people started saying really bad things had happened to them, Hubbins and I didn't know what real bad things meant because in our world we couldn't imagine what really bad things were, or at least nothing like what really happened to them. So we were trying to raise them like kids who always had what they needed and were just doing bad things. Then they started telling us themselves what had happened and we started to understand some. 

Then CDQ said. Yeah, with (the bios) we got in trouble because we cried because we didn't have food or anything to drink and we got in trouble. 

I told her that we didn't know that and when we said you had a choice to stop the bad behavior and have dinner with the family (most rages used to occur as dinner was being made or just before)  or have a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed, we thought it was a choice for you.  Then I asked them if normally you give someone the choice to either have dinner with the family or to have a peanut butter sandwich, which one would they think the person would choose?

Of course, now that most of my kids are mostly regulated and not living so much in fear, they can see that choice but I know before they couldn't. Still my point hit home and I was learning so much from them. 

Then a great thing happened yesterday, at least for CDQs peace of mind. The boy got in "trouble". It's in quotes because I didn't think of him as being in trouble. I was thinking he didn't sleep well and needed a break or a nap or something.  Anyhow, The Boy had been on the computer doing his homeschool for most of the morning and normally he loves it and shouts out his scores or what he's doing next but that morning he was just not into it. He was not paying attention to his computer and looking at everyone else's computers. Just plain not there. I had told him several times prior to CDQ starting her work that he needed to pay attention to his own work. Finally it was like the 20th time (yeah, I haven't learned that I probably should have redirected him to a break rather than keep telling him to pay attention a lot sooner.)   when I told him he had to take a break. I told him to just go to his room and relax, take a nap if he needed to but he was done for now.  That brought out tears as he went to his room. I told him he wasn't in trouble it was just a break. 

I decided I would take that opportunity to discuss a real live (since it was happening at that moment) example with CDQ. I asked her if she had noticed how many times I had told him to pay attention to his work. She said at least 4 (she had been out working for about 30 minutes at that point) and yes, she had noticed this time because of what we talked about. She noticed how he was still crying even though I had told him he wasn't in trouble and how she sees that I wasn't like M or J at all and that I am "actually trying to help him." She said she had thought about it last night and she knows the difference between discipline and being mean. 

SCORE!!!! 

Next time, hallucinations and hearing voices...She's not just living in a fantasyland. 

Also, how I found a cool way to compromise on the music issue on my own. 

Oh and I guess I should also mention how we resolved the boy's issue and it ended on a good note.

Unless I blog about how my first therapy session goes, it's today. In which case, the above are notes to myself to remember to post about those things.