Unlearning to Not Speak

Unlearning to Not Speak

by Marge Piercy

Blizzards of paper
in slow motion
sift through her.
In nightmares she suddenly recalls
a class she signed up for
but forgot to attend.
Now it is too late.
Now it is time for finals:
losers will be shot.
Phrases of men who lectured her
drift and rustle in piles:
Why don't you speak up?
Why are you shouting?
You have the wrong answer,
wrong line, wrong face.
They tell her she is womb-man,
babymachine, mirror image, toy,
earth mother and penis-poor,
a dish of synthetic strawberry ice cream
She grunts to a halt.
She must learn again to speak
starting with I
starting with We
starting as the infant does
with her own true hunger
and pleasure
and rage.


==================


These words mean so much to me. I just wanted to share them. 

YAY!

Blogger is back up and running. Thank you blogger. I lost two posts in the process (my fault, not bloggers) so I'm just going to be short in this post because my fingers are STIFF.

I have RA and Fibromyalgia. Go me!

I still haven't bothered to google the fibro thing enough to understand it.

I'm tired. I think I'm going to go out tonight and catch a movie by myself. Even if I can't bend my fingers and I might fall asleep.

I feel a little suffocated in my own body right now.

When being positive isn't good

RA Factor: 200
ANA Positive
ANA >=1:640
ANA Pattern: Speckled

I have to go back and have my blood redrawn for my ESR but I'm sure those reading this who know what these numbers mean know that the ESR will be just as bad as these numbers.

:-( 

Tomorrow will come...

I decided to do it.

I'm tired of living in limbo or denial...

I am in pain, I do have inflammation and there are deformities in my hands.

I don't know what I am going to do with the answer.

I'm supposed to know by tomorrow.

Saturday I had my blood drawn.

Arthritis Panel, Thyroid Panel and CMP.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

Worried something flags abnormal...worried every thing is normal. Worried there will still be no definitive answer...worried there will be an answer I can't afford.

I just desperately want and need an answer.  I want to be me again.

Sometimes I think I should just be grateful that I am walking again and that I can get up and move, but other times I just can't keep a positive focus.

Days like today, when all I wanted in the world was to have a Happy Mother's Day with the children who love me and my family around me.

But I was dealing with Flo pain and my teeth are still shifting which has led to jaw pain and a clicking in my jaw sometimes. When I swallow it feels like I am swallowing a small rubber ball.  Plus, that damn flare up... All I could do was lie in bed until I took ibuprofen which made me sleepy.

I hate the days that I can't do routine. My fingers are swollen so I can't put on shoes, a bra, pants or shirts with buttons.  Today was a day I couldn't even lift my shirt over my head. I couldn't pull my pants down to go to the bathroom.  So then I have to be careful about what I eat or drink to limit the trips to the bathroom It's such a mind$#%^.

But I'm trying to keep the faith. Hoping for some kind of deficiency or something that has an easy enough fix. (Isn't that what we all hope for?)

So until tomorrow...

Ouch!

I swear I am not a hypochondriac and I have to admit I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Maybe I shouldn't be forcing myself to type but I need to vent somewhere...

I have pain, every time I swallow I get a clicking sound and sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. The randomness has caused me to clench my jaw which has made it worse. Because now I have shooting pain up to the back of my ear and down along my arm to my wrist.  I'm able to move my arm a little because I just stood in the shower under scalding hot water for 20 minutes and I've layered myself with tees and sweaters to try to keep the heat in.

I keep trying to relax but if I let my jaw or arm slack too much it's instant pain.

I don't mean to sound like a shit but I honestly don't know how much more of this pain I can take. Did  I mention that already?

Especially since I have pretty good days. I saw a chiropractor on Monday and I was feeling so much better. Diagnosis- my spine is a "wreck", I have trauma areas in my neck, lower back and apparently my @$$ as I was told those cheeks shouldn't be so tight (I thought they were relaxed. lol) ...maybe that was TMI- in which case I apologize :-)   I could NOT believe the amount of cracking that went on.... and even after the adjustment my bones kept cracking.  Most notably was SOMEONE who finally listened to me about my hand pain. I know my acupuncturist was hesitant and I think he was afraid to hurt me. But all the fingers I had been complaining about popped just like I felt they needed to and my wrists were CRAZY cracking. I can't tell you how much it hurt but felt soooooooo good at the same time. The stiffness in my fingers had actually decreased.

Let's put it this way, Tuina was like a massage compared to the chiropractor. I thought I had got thrashed in Tuina but the chiro adjustment, it happened all so fast it was like the scene from Madagascar where the Granny with the coke bottle glasses beats the hell out of the lion with her purse and the lion doesn't even know what happened to him.

It's been one thing right after another and yes I understand it took one thing right after another for me to get to the state I am in. I'm sure if I search my blog I would come across the post which I spoke about the cause of this injury.

The boy... a tantrum, and a therapist who told me to remove him from the room even if I had to carry him out. Big mistake.

The thing I keep holding on to is that the chiropractor does not think I have RA. Let me say that again....DOES NOT think I have RA... He said I do have arthritic properties or some such thing which is similar to what my acupuncturist said, so for now, I will continue to pray and hold on to the thread that two professionals do NOT think I have RA. *phew*

Seriously...

I've been staying away from the blog because I have nothing good to say...actually I do but the bad keeps wanting to come out.

So, you can skip this one because I am going to whine and rant a little bit.

You see, not only was I allergic to the vicodin but I was also allergic to the antibiotics I was given...seriously.

Easter morning I woke up with that familiar stiffness and pain in my hands and feet...seriously.

I cried because DAMMIT I am so over being in pain. OVER.IT.

I still have stiffness.

This after having three fabulous pain-free (as far as joints go) days that I had to spend in bed because of my teeth pain.  I tried to do some yard work or something because my mobility was excellent but I kept getting yelled at by Hubbins to LIE DOWN.

I'm back to every.single.day acupuncture. Needles EVERYDAY! WHEE! not.

I missed Monday because I thought I was dying. Short of breath, knotted stomach, nausea,stiff joints and oh yeah, my mom mentioned Sunday my eyes were turning YELLOW.  Thank you, Clindamycin. Did I mention this antibiotic was a precaution and I didn't even have an infection?

Back to acupuncture, I love my doctor to bits but I was angry that I actually got a lecture for not showing on Monday.

Me.

Who's only missed one other appointment besides this past Monday in almost a year! I dragged my drugged up butt to acupuncture the day my teeth were pulled!

He even questioned if I would show up today.

I'm sorry but W.T.H!

I'm so sick of people telling me to take care of myself. What they really mean is take care of yourself*. The * is silent and I should just know that it's there hanging in the air and that it means that I am to take care of myself if it doesn't inconvenience anyone else.

The irony in it all is that CDQ's therapist is the only one and I do mean only one, family included, who really means for me to take care of myself first...no guilt involved.  Of course, I still feel guilty but at least with him, I know I'm safe from getting it thrown back in my face.

Oh yeah and my blood is black. BLACK.  It's stagnant and I need to work it out of my body some how. It's supposed to be what's causing my pain and acupuncture is supposed to be working on that black blood.   To get a picture of my pain level and desperation I actually asked my acupuncturist about blood letting (lancing parts of the body and letting blood drain out) which I stumbled upon when researching stagnant blood. He told me that I was not a case for blood letting (maybe I might have offended him a lil too) and I wanted to cry.

What's that you ask?

Crazy?

Why yes, I am crazy.

So you see, this is why I am staying away from my blog... *sigh*

Wisdom...

I'm still hanging in here. Had all four wisdom teeth removed and I'm still recovering.  Found out I was allergic to vicodin, but lucky for me, this pain isn't worse than a flare up.

I'll be back...

But just in case, have a good weekend and Happy Holidays to those celebrating!