Aftermath

I've debated on whether to update this blog. It's been such a source of negativity for me and I've been trying to find the light.

So much has happened. So many truths and abuses have been revealed and it's so not right and so heinous.

But I feel like I left things hanging. I know when I searched for people in my situation, the blogs always died out when the child was removed. What ever happened? Were they able to pick up the pieces? Did they really dissolve the adoption? I had only found one. Gala's blog.

So, I figure it's only right to let you know how it went.  We did not get a dissolution. We had a lying thieving lawyer who I had to go after to get my money back and thankfully, I did. All of it.  He made false promises.

So where are we at? CDQ is still in TFC.  I was threatened again by California's post adoption social worker. She lightened up...but still.  It lingers, you know?

My other kids are all in therapy. In the course of that it came out that CDQ had sexually abused some of them in my home...before the cameras and the intercoms. I just thought she had tried to kill them.

I read that last sentence and I think: "How can I say those words so flippantly now?" I guess because I feel like I'm recounting some kind of horror story I just read or something... or maybe I'm just numb to it all still.

SS had all her repressed memories come back to her and it manifested in her attacking her clothes and her stuff with a knife and then cutting her hair with it. She had a 10 day stay in the hospital CDQ stayed in.  It was scary stuff, but she's doing better now that she knows her bio parents were wrong and full of shit and that none of it was her fault nor changes who she is to the world.  I envy her a little. She's tough...

My childhood memories are still mostly repressed. They've been coming in my dreams every night for a month or so now. I don't know which is better the nightly edition or a full blown revelation as a one shot deal.  Probably it's better for me one night at time, considering SS's reactions to her mind finally allowing her full disclosure.

I've always said if my mind doesn't want me to remember it must've been to big for me to handle.

Anyhow, with the news coming out of why the other children don't want CDQ back home, I am at a loss of what is going to happen. Seems they are still trying for reunification.  But Poufy's therapist said something to me that shook me to my core.  The gist was how could they make a victim live with the perpetrator? All I could think of was how I wouldn't want to live if I were forced to live with my step-father again. It already happened when I was 10 and then when I was 16 and this time around, I just couldn't do it. I believe that very notion is what has brought my dreams to where they are now.  How can they do that to my children?

All that is still up in the air.

So, in the mean time, I've had more allegations set against me by CDQ because of the kid's accusations towards her.  Basically, CDQ has blamed me for everything. EVERYTHING.  Her parents abuse against her, her siblings not wanting anything to do with her.  It's all my fault because I'm the only one who is there for her.

The question is how much longer can we as a family take her bullshit.  Call me heartless, but I've been at a point where other people need to matter. I know she is hurting and I know that she is a child. But I think we are all sending her the wrong message. She can't treat people like shit and think they are going to be around. Yes, she went through some tough shit but who in this family hasn't?

At what point, do we start to matter and we can say this is too toxic...she can fester but the rest need and more importantly WANT to be saved? People can't be changed, they have to want to change themselves- even children.

I just feel like we are magnets that people keep trying to push together. For some reason the family is a trigger for CDQ and she is a trigger for the family for more obvious reasons. It doesn't feel like anybody but the system's best interests are in mind at this point. I feel like it's going to boil down to having a scapegoat at the end of the line and CDQ is trying to make sure that the scapegoat is myself.

That's where we stand.

I don't know if I will continue to blog here. I have another address parked where I might do a family blog something along the lines of what I had started blogging 8 years ago, something a little more open yet still anonymous and unconnected or related to this blog. Something along the lines of..."normal".