I'm watching the hot air balloons from my bed. It's Balloon Fiesta time. I'm flaring. I've been flaring since thursday night. Fingers, wrists, arms, and my left knee. I woke up friday at about 1:30 am and I immediately wanted to die. I laid still for four hours in agony before I had the courage to move a muscle.
I had a dream last night. Someone asked me what was on my knee. I looked and said what do you mean? Because it was just my knee.."right there"...the person said. I looked again puzzled until the person reached over and touched my knee. Um, THAT IS my knee. Then I woke up. Not a big deal to others but to me... I looked down and saw my knee for the first time the way other people might see my knee. If they were to see it because honestly, this summer has been all about the layers for me. My thermals never even got put away this year, neither did my sweats.
I don't need to question why this happened. It's been coming on. I just didn't take care of myself. I didn't make myself a priority. I ran from appointment to appointment for other people. I let the news of CDQ bring me to the ground, I lied to myself about the little signs my body was giving me that I was backpedaling and I held it all inside. I took a day off from school telling everyone I just needed the time to study but the truth was my body couldn't do it. My mind couldn't hold anything.
I took two 800mg ibuprofen and I dragged myself to school yesterday. 8 am- 6:30 pm. Usually, the ibuprofen takes care of my RA pain but I could still feel my wrists and knee. My fibro pain is always there when I'm like this. I sat through 3 tests with fibro fog and I did two labs with arms that shook and stiff fingers. I forced myself to prepare slides and to pinch droppers and gently lay coverslips. I turned small microscope knobs that required more precise hands then my own. I laid out bones that kept falling from my hands. I fought the fatigue I was already feeling before I even took the ibuprofen (which just compounded my need for rest).
At first, I couldn't get a grip (both literally and figuratively). I have Anatomy lab first thing in the morning. That's where I was laying out the bones. I did the spinal column while my group gossiped about fake nails and I was working the ribs when they stopped and stared at me. I wasn't talking. I had divided up all the ribs and was getting ready to put it together. I don't know if they had said something to me or what happened. I looked at them and I told them I was sick. There was mention of contagion and I told them I had RA. They still kept going on and on, so I clarified, Rheumatoid Arthritis is NOT contagious but they gathered up all my separated bones. I say my bones because they hadn't touched them to take them out, sort them or do anything... They packed them up and they packed their stuff and they left. Faster then I could turn the page in my book. I didn't much feel like lifting the totes and taking it all out again, so I packed up my stuff and left too. I held back the tears as I got on the fucking elevator because I can't take the two flights of stairs. Really, in the big scheme of things...this is nothing...it's nothing....but it still hurts. I know even in my drugged up fibro fog state I still had more brain cells working then all three of those girls put together but still... I moved on to the next campus, next class... thinking about the state of things and just how fucked we all are if these are our "nurses of tomorrow"...
Needless to say I didn't do very well on any of my tests yesterday. One was a make up test from the previously missed class. It was me and another girl taking the test. The teacher offered to grade our scantrons on the spot. We were both apprehensive when he ran them through...lots of noise isn't good. lol
We got them back and they were all marked up. The girl asked if we needed to give them back so he could record the score but he said we both got the same score so it didn't matter. I have no idea why but I was so happy I had got any right and that we got the SAME score (how stupid could I be then???). I lifted my claw hand and said "HEY! High five!" and the girl did, gently!!! LOL! I don't think our teacher was amused. LOL!
Ah, wrote all that this morning, probably had more to say but my hands are worse now. So glad I have an 8 am acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Sweet immediate relief. I know as soon as those needles go in it will be all good.
I'm also going to get over myself. I am going to take up my acupuncturist's offer of coming in and getting needles and basically taking them with me. I was worried about attention from having needles in me as I went through part of my day but at this moment, in this flare, I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks.
Tomorrow will be better. I just know.
I had a dream last night. Someone asked me what was on my knee. I looked and said what do you mean? Because it was just my knee.."right there"...the person said. I looked again puzzled until the person reached over and touched my knee. Um, THAT IS my knee. Then I woke up. Not a big deal to others but to me... I looked down and saw my knee for the first time the way other people might see my knee. If they were to see it because honestly, this summer has been all about the layers for me. My thermals never even got put away this year, neither did my sweats.
I don't need to question why this happened. It's been coming on. I just didn't take care of myself. I didn't make myself a priority. I ran from appointment to appointment for other people. I let the news of CDQ bring me to the ground, I lied to myself about the little signs my body was giving me that I was backpedaling and I held it all inside. I took a day off from school telling everyone I just needed the time to study but the truth was my body couldn't do it. My mind couldn't hold anything.
I took two 800mg ibuprofen and I dragged myself to school yesterday. 8 am- 6:30 pm. Usually, the ibuprofen takes care of my RA pain but I could still feel my wrists and knee. My fibro pain is always there when I'm like this. I sat through 3 tests with fibro fog and I did two labs with arms that shook and stiff fingers. I forced myself to prepare slides and to pinch droppers and gently lay coverslips. I turned small microscope knobs that required more precise hands then my own. I laid out bones that kept falling from my hands. I fought the fatigue I was already feeling before I even took the ibuprofen (which just compounded my need for rest).
At first, I couldn't get a grip (both literally and figuratively). I have Anatomy lab first thing in the morning. That's where I was laying out the bones. I did the spinal column while my group gossiped about fake nails and I was working the ribs when they stopped and stared at me. I wasn't talking. I had divided up all the ribs and was getting ready to put it together. I don't know if they had said something to me or what happened. I looked at them and I told them I was sick. There was mention of contagion and I told them I had RA. They still kept going on and on, so I clarified, Rheumatoid Arthritis is NOT contagious but they gathered up all my separated bones. I say my bones because they hadn't touched them to take them out, sort them or do anything... They packed them up and they packed their stuff and they left. Faster then I could turn the page in my book. I didn't much feel like lifting the totes and taking it all out again, so I packed up my stuff and left too. I held back the tears as I got on the fucking elevator because I can't take the two flights of stairs. Really, in the big scheme of things...this is nothing...it's nothing....but it still hurts. I know even in my drugged up fibro fog state I still had more brain cells working then all three of those girls put together but still... I moved on to the next campus, next class... thinking about the state of things and just how fucked we all are if these are our "nurses of tomorrow"...
Needless to say I didn't do very well on any of my tests yesterday. One was a make up test from the previously missed class. It was me and another girl taking the test. The teacher offered to grade our scantrons on the spot. We were both apprehensive when he ran them through...lots of noise isn't good. lol
We got them back and they were all marked up. The girl asked if we needed to give them back so he could record the score but he said we both got the same score so it didn't matter. I have no idea why but I was so happy I had got any right and that we got the SAME score (how stupid could I be then???). I lifted my claw hand and said "HEY! High five!" and the girl did, gently!!! LOL! I don't think our teacher was amused. LOL!
Ah, wrote all that this morning, probably had more to say but my hands are worse now. So glad I have an 8 am acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Sweet immediate relief. I know as soon as those needles go in it will be all good.
I'm also going to get over myself. I am going to take up my acupuncturist's offer of coming in and getting needles and basically taking them with me. I was worried about attention from having needles in me as I went through part of my day but at this moment, in this flare, I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks.
Tomorrow will be better. I just know.
1 comment:
These "nurses of tomorrow" thought RA is contagious? What a bunch of dumb asses.
You my enjoy this: when I was getting ready for spinal surgery last month a hospital employee of some kind (hopefully not a RN) asked me a list of questions about my medical history. Everything was fine until she got to the part about any artificial stuff I might have in my body like hip or knee replacement. Then she asked if I had a penile implant.
A. Penile. Implant.
I am clearly a lady. I look like a lady and I had already told her I had given birth to three kids so WTF?
She clearly had no clue what one was nor did she care about finding out. Ninety percent of hospital personnel are wonderful but I wouldn't want the other ten percent watering my houseplants.
I hope the RA is better. Have you tried Reiki?
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