has been rough. If I'm brutally honest...beyond rough.
I'm pretty sure I had a breakdown today on the way home from my midterm. I know something is wrong. People keep telling me to let things go, to not worry about things I can't change. I understand that and I also understand I have PTSD which renders me pretty much useless and powerless.
I got lost on the way home. The magnitude of this is that there are only three streets involved on my way home from school. One the road the school is on, two the long stretch of road that leads to three the road my house is off of. I. GOT. LOST. and I was too proud and too busy losing it to call home and ask, that and I didn't know where the hell I was to even ask.
I got home and I didn't say a word to anyone at first, but then I heard my Mom telling my grandmother I had a hard day at school, except it wasn't a hard day at school. It was a hard day at life. School is a lot but it's not hard. Truly, it's not. My other degree was much harder. But I'm still messing up. Why?
I'll tell you, but first you must know this is not an excuse.
Stuff has been going on with CDQs placement. Insurance has decided she's ready to be moved, the center does not believe she should come home, ever. I've resolved myself to the latter. To quote her therapist, "CDQ is CDQ and she will be that way forever." I called him Friday and I got the sense that he has moved on and didn't want to even spend the time to talk to me. In my selfish modes, I mourn the loss of a very hurt and disturbed child. She doesn't know what she's doing etc...In my reality modes, my kids don't feel safe and don't want her back. Life would be unbearable and unsafe for them if she comes back. I understand it, but I don't know how it's so easy for them to let go. I talk so much crap to myself about CDQ to try to make myself mad enough about all this to separate, but it doesn't work. I've failed her. In my fantasy mode, CDQ gets what she wants from another family, life with us was too unbearable for her, too many reminders of the past and through strangers she is ready to move on. She succeeds, she makes it out.
PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia are a bunch of bitches and they are out to get me.
School is not going well because every time I get back on my feet and I convince myself everything is going to be ok. I get a call and a call leads to a flare and a flare leads to more aggressive acupuncture treatments, which start me on a PTSD episode of remembering my traumas that led me to all this and the worst of my flares. I'm to the point that as soon as I hear there was a call, my stomach drops and my mind goes blank and I can't keep a thought in my head. I can't form a sentence. I can't remember what someone said to me or if I am about to answer them- what I was going to say. I can't think. It's like I've checked out and have become catatonic. It takes weeks for me to recover. My Doctor says I am doing better because I am bouncing back quicker but I can't take the ups and downs. It's a total mind$%^&. It truly is.
In terms of school, here I am in what may be the easiest classes since Music Appreciation. Classes that rely on memorization. No math, no true independent thought needed, just regurgitation and I can't remember my name. It's not test anxiety, I'm not stressed because of school. I actually do know my stuff, I just can't pull it out when I'm in this state.
It's not just school, it's life. I can't remember chunks of time and I'm flashing back to 10-13 years ago when I realized my own abuses and I'm thinking I had these moments where I left myself. I'm thinking that day in the doctor's office when I read that pamphlet on sexual abuse and realized I was a victim, that day I went numb and the Doctor made up stuff to have me sent to ER by ambulance...I'm thinking that is what this is.
I'm thinking all those years in my childhood I can't account for, what's happening now...it's how I coped then. The only difference is both those times I had no one. This time I have a concerned Husband, Doctor and children who are reminding and bringing to my attention that I am missing chunks and that I can't communicate. Before, as a child, I was called shy. As a young woman, I was called stuck up because I didn't have words.
I lose my words.
Yesterday I found out that CDQ is going to be moved into treatment foster care. We may be charged with a felony- child abandonment. This stresses me out. I have never been in trouble before for anything. We will be starting the dissolution process. It sounds like we will be investigated. I'm trying to hand it to God but my mind won't let me.
More importantly, CDQ has started to show her true colors at the treatment center she is in now. The woman I talked ( possibly CDQ's last ally) to can't believe the behaviors she's seeing now and said she has no idea where CDQ gets her stamina from. CDQ is screaming at them that she did this to me and she's going to do it there too. It seems they are finally getting somewhere and the insurance is going to ruin that.
Ok, I'm sure things are hard to understand here. I've been trying really hard to be clear but....well it is what it is. This is the reality.
I'm pretty sure I had a breakdown today on the way home from my midterm. I know something is wrong. People keep telling me to let things go, to not worry about things I can't change. I understand that and I also understand I have PTSD which renders me pretty much useless and powerless.
I got lost on the way home. The magnitude of this is that there are only three streets involved on my way home from school. One the road the school is on, two the long stretch of road that leads to three the road my house is off of. I. GOT. LOST. and I was too proud and too busy losing it to call home and ask, that and I didn't know where the hell I was to even ask.
I got home and I didn't say a word to anyone at first, but then I heard my Mom telling my grandmother I had a hard day at school, except it wasn't a hard day at school. It was a hard day at life. School is a lot but it's not hard. Truly, it's not. My other degree was much harder. But I'm still messing up. Why?
I'll tell you, but first you must know this is not an excuse.
Stuff has been going on with CDQs placement. Insurance has decided she's ready to be moved, the center does not believe she should come home, ever. I've resolved myself to the latter. To quote her therapist, "CDQ is CDQ and she will be that way forever." I called him Friday and I got the sense that he has moved on and didn't want to even spend the time to talk to me. In my selfish modes, I mourn the loss of a very hurt and disturbed child. She doesn't know what she's doing etc...In my reality modes, my kids don't feel safe and don't want her back. Life would be unbearable and unsafe for them if she comes back. I understand it, but I don't know how it's so easy for them to let go. I talk so much crap to myself about CDQ to try to make myself mad enough about all this to separate, but it doesn't work. I've failed her. In my fantasy mode, CDQ gets what she wants from another family, life with us was too unbearable for her, too many reminders of the past and through strangers she is ready to move on. She succeeds, she makes it out.
PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia are a bunch of bitches and they are out to get me.
School is not going well because every time I get back on my feet and I convince myself everything is going to be ok. I get a call and a call leads to a flare and a flare leads to more aggressive acupuncture treatments, which start me on a PTSD episode of remembering my traumas that led me to all this and the worst of my flares. I'm to the point that as soon as I hear there was a call, my stomach drops and my mind goes blank and I can't keep a thought in my head. I can't form a sentence. I can't remember what someone said to me or if I am about to answer them- what I was going to say. I can't think. It's like I've checked out and have become catatonic. It takes weeks for me to recover. My Doctor says I am doing better because I am bouncing back quicker but I can't take the ups and downs. It's a total mind$%^&. It truly is.
In terms of school, here I am in what may be the easiest classes since Music Appreciation. Classes that rely on memorization. No math, no true independent thought needed, just regurgitation and I can't remember my name. It's not test anxiety, I'm not stressed because of school. I actually do know my stuff, I just can't pull it out when I'm in this state.
It's not just school, it's life. I can't remember chunks of time and I'm flashing back to 10-13 years ago when I realized my own abuses and I'm thinking I had these moments where I left myself. I'm thinking that day in the doctor's office when I read that pamphlet on sexual abuse and realized I was a victim, that day I went numb and the Doctor made up stuff to have me sent to ER by ambulance...I'm thinking that is what this is.
I'm thinking all those years in my childhood I can't account for, what's happening now...it's how I coped then. The only difference is both those times I had no one. This time I have a concerned Husband, Doctor and children who are reminding and bringing to my attention that I am missing chunks and that I can't communicate. Before, as a child, I was called shy. As a young woman, I was called stuck up because I didn't have words.
I lose my words.
Yesterday I found out that CDQ is going to be moved into treatment foster care. We may be charged with a felony- child abandonment. This stresses me out. I have never been in trouble before for anything. We will be starting the dissolution process. It sounds like we will be investigated. I'm trying to hand it to God but my mind won't let me.
More importantly, CDQ has started to show her true colors at the treatment center she is in now. The woman I talked ( possibly CDQ's last ally) to can't believe the behaviors she's seeing now and said she has no idea where CDQ gets her stamina from. CDQ is screaming at them that she did this to me and she's going to do it there too. It seems they are finally getting somewhere and the insurance is going to ruin that.
Ok, I'm sure things are hard to understand here. I've been trying really hard to be clear but....well it is what it is. This is the reality.
4 comments:
Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts and prayers. You are strong and you have survived some really tough stuff. Remind yourself of this and try to take it one moment at a time. And know how much you are cared for. Best, Dia
Sending love your way...
You are NOT alone! Trust me on this! There are many - MANY - who also stand in your shoes! And you ARE a good mom - you are taking care of your children the best that you can. CDQ is a broken little one - and, unfortunately, there ARE youngsters who in the past have been abused so much that there is no possibility that they can ever develop trust. Some children just do not get well. We (and I'm including myself on this) can weep for them, but we can't "fix" them and make them all better. They've gone through too much. What you've done is take care of the rest of the kids, protect them, offer love and nurturing care for those that can absorb it. In order for your children AND you and your dh to heal, you need to continue loving and nurturing - and that's what you are doing. Almost. You need to include YOU in that as well. CDQ is not at the point of accepting that and I suspect may not be ready for that for years if ever.
Sending major hugs and prayers your way and telling you to find a way to love and nurture yourself as well as your family. One moment at a time.
Helen
Oh my goodness - That is so very intense. I am sending you healing vibes - You and your whole family. I have fibromyalgia, too, and it is rough to deal with on top of one's own trauma, one's kids' trauma and special needs, etc. Hang in there.
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